Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Letter to Parks and Recreation

Hope schmope, you can't change Washington.

Jerry Saunders - President
Columbus Parks and Recreation
1111 E. Broad Street
Columbus, OH 43205

Dear Mr. Saunders,

Are you fat? I'm sorry to pry, but if you are fat it well help my proceeding argument. Plus, it's a real eye-catching way to open a letter. In our fast-paced world of today, it's so important to be able to grab attention. Sex! Wild asps! Stratego! See, now I've got you right where I want you.

To get to the crux of the matter, I have witnessed a growing trend in this country's park systems that I cannot let continue with impunity. Of course, I'm talking about plastic-seated swing sets. It seems that every park I go in, including most recently the Park of Roses in Columbus, the swing sets in each playground have bendy, plastic seats on them. Have you ever tried to swing in one of these things, Jerry? It's like getting a "B" seat on a plane full of Buckeyes coming back from another Fiesta Bowl loss. You try to move, even breathe, but you're being scrunched up by this incredible pressure on both sides, like a Red Sea of fat ready to crash down upon you at any moment. And that's what it's like in a bendy plastic swing seat.

Think about this: I only weigh 130 lbs, and the plastic still bends in the middle until my hips have chain-patterned bruises on them. Now, what if I was fat? The pressure would kill me! Whatever happened to using wooden planks for swing seats? Then you can sit comfortably without bowing the swing in, and it's much easier to twist the chains into a thrilling tailspin. Times are tough, Mr. Saunders, we don't all have the money to go to Cedar Point every weekend. With a wooden plank and a little imagination, I could make my own Corkscrew ride (no lines, too!). Well, right now I'm 50% short of that dream.

Oh, and I know what you're going to say. We don't have money for wooden swing seats! Our budget is being slashed to ribbons! To which I say, what's your salary looking like? Because I'd be willing to fire you to supply each city park with wooden-seated swings. I'm sorry, but the taxpayers have spoken. You've drenched this town in rampant corruption and blatant nepotism long enough.

Ok, look. If I can't beat you, I guess I could join you. Just outfit the Park of Roses with wooden swing seats and I won't blow the whistle on the aforementioned corruption and nepotism. I'm ashamed to play dirty politics with you, but the system is already broken. I didn't start this fire. Let me know your decision, and perhaps this can be the beginning of a profitable friendship.

Honorably Yours,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

They just don't think that adults like to play anymore. Well, if you can't fit in the swing, you can't play! You know what else they don't make in adult size - Heelies. Man, I wish I had a pair of those. The places I could go . . .

Anonymous said...

If you keep creating sentences like - "It's like getting a "B" seat on a plane full of Buckeyes coming back from another Fiesta Bowl loss" I will have no choice but to stop reading your blog at work when I'm on conference calls.

If I'm collecting unemployment next week, I'm going to blame you.

Hessy said...

Hahahaha...I'm starting off my next client email the same way...

tom said...

One day, while playing stratego, I saw some wild asps having sex.

It was cool.