Thursday, September 27, 2012

A Letter to a Product Developer

Phillip L. Noren
Product Development Manager, Target
1000 Nicollet Mall
MinneapolisMN 55403-2467

Dear Phil,

Excuse me while I put on my bathing suit, because I’m about to jump in the shark tank. I was in my bed last night, tossing and turning under the tyrannical memories of yesteryear, when the most brilliant product idea came upon me. As product development manager for Target, I know you’ve got both the means and the beans to push this idea to the top. Apologies if you have testicular cancer.

Now let me ask you a question, Phil. What’s the one thing everyone wants to do most with their pet cat? If you said, “Use their warm, sleeping body as a pillow,” then you are correct. Unfortunately, while the average feline chest cage can support up to 5 lbs., the average human head weighs 8 to 12 lbs. This leads to angry cats and clawed eyelids. So what’s the solution?

Introducing the Purr Pillow®! This unregulated, patent-free product starts with a simple cotton bag of rice shaped like a cat. Next, you take the skin of a dead cat and put a zipper on it. Do you see where this is going? Wow, you don’t? Ok, well, you heat the rice bag in the microwave and then zipper it up in the cat fur. Voila! The comfort of cuddling with a warm kitty without the fussy temperament.

Phil, I know you’ve got questions, and I’ve got answers. First of all, we’ll get the dead cats from shelters. If there’s one thing this country has plenty of, it’s dead cats. We’ll sell them in as many styles as there are breeds: calico, black, tabby, Maine Coon…you name it! If it’s dead and the owner signs the consent form, we can turn it into a pillow. Finally, how much does it cost and what’s your cut? I’m willing to give Target 45%, and the price is $9.95 per Purr Pillow® (low prices are key in this economy).

Alright, Phil, you’ve got a hard offer on the table. Think about it! Every cat owner in America will want a Purr Pillow® that looks like their favorite past pet. Plus it’s a really flexible item on your shelves; sell it in the pet aisle, with the bedroom stuff, or inside microwaves as an extra surprise. It’s purr-fect, so write me back pronto and we’ll John Hancock the shit out of some paperwork.

Not kitten around,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

I know this is a joke, a bad one at that. But man are you going to lose a LOT of money, do you know what it costs to get a cat from a shelter these days? A hell of lot more than $10 ;)

Anonymous said...

When's the next letter coming? It's been a long time.