My 42 Cents

A Letter To George T. Huggins

2010-09-23T00:40:00.000-04:00

George T. Huggins12129 Glen Canyon Rd NE Albuquerque, NM 87111 Dear Mr. Huggins, Hello to you, sir! May I just say what an honor it is to have finally found you and made your acquaintance, although, quite obviously, the war will not be won until I have your hand firmly gripped in my own, perhaps with my other arm raised up to lightly hold onto your forearm, but naturally not reaching past the

A Letter to My Pretend Wife

2010-01-27T14:44:00.002-05:00

I changed the name and address of this letter. Not sure why, it just felt like the prudent thing to do. Dearest Jane, How are you? It's been so long. I remember playing tag with you and your sister like it was yesterday. This was back in South Bend, when we lived across the street from one another. I wish I was seven again, and could go knocking on your door to see who was home. Neighbors

A Letter to an Anthropologist

2009-11-19T15:21:00.000-05:00

Writing consistently is hard when job searching. A man can only spend so many hours in front of a computer screen before going insane. Dr. Susan D. Blum University of Notre Dame Department of Anthropology 611 Flanner Hall Notre Dame, IN 46556 Dear Dr. Blum, While growing a beard the other day, an interesting question popped into my mind that I wanted to share with you. I have sought out your

A Letter to Guster

2009-11-05T11:21:00.000-05:00

I can't find an address right now and I'm at work, so I'll find one later tonight. Dear Mr. Guster, Before I start, let me explain that I get it. I love music. I played a recorder as a child, up until my hands were "work ready" at the age of 9. After that I just sang in the choir, although being a single child and homeschooled our choir lacked a certain harmony, and with only one member my

A Letter to the Mall

2009-10-26T13:14:00.000-04:00

It's almost winter and I want to puke. Polaris Fashion Center 1500 Polaris Parkway Columbus, OH 43240 Attn: Michael Minns, General Manager Dear Mr. Minns, As the Holiday Season draws near my heart fills with the good cheer of the Christmas season. You know, Christmas was always my favorite holiday as a child. My Mother, a generally strict woman of Norwegian descent, would wake us at sunrise

A Letter to Clintonville

2009-10-23T16:11:00.001-04:00

I need me some weekend. Clintonville Area Commission President James Blazer II 333 E North Broadway Columbus, OH 43202 Dear Mr. Blazer, I bet you'd know exactly what I was talking about if I told you my home is filled with clutter. Who doesn't have a closet filled with old junk they never throw away? Well, I'm just like you and all those other completely normal people. And just like those

Blog Relaunching!

2009-10-22T11:12:00.000-04:00

Welcome (back) to My42Cents! This blog will be written again regularly, along with some new features I'd like to take you through. It's now easier than ever to follow along with the correspondence, as well as share your favorite letters over a wide range of social networking sites. First, you'll notice the re-tooled right column complete with a Top Ten Letters list for first-time visitors and a

A Letter to the Hearst Tower in Charlotte, NC

2009-10-20T14:49:00.002-04:00

I'm back. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh!Building ManagementLincoln Harris Hearst Tower Suite #2370 214 North Tryon Street Charlotte, NC 28202Dear Mr. Harris,Hello, my future friend. I hail from Columbus, capital city of heart-shaped Ohio, where the corn grows knee high by the 4th of July and merry girls will show you the world! I am a businessman, which means a lot of traveling across this great country of

A Letter to the Mayor of Correctionville, IA

2009-08-28T12:16:00.002-04:00

Mayor Don Dixon312 Driftwood StreetCorrectionville, IA 51016Dear Mayor Dixon,Hello from Ohio. It is a pitiful day filled with the billowing emptiness of failure. Like a sheet tossed over you, the day slowly turns hot and choking until you're left to scratch helplessly at an invisible fabric, drawn taut around you by the restless turning of your body as you struggle to make even one bit of

A Letter to Notre Dame's Athletic Department

2009-07-13T11:28:00.003-04:00

Jack SwarbrickAthletic DirectorUniversity of Notre DameC113 Joyce Center Notre Dame, IN 46556Dear Mr. Swarbrick, Esquire,Good day to you, sir. As a former citizen of South Bend who grew up just a few blocks from Notre Dame Stadium, I have been a lifelong fan of the Irish. I watch every football game and have even been to a few myself (your hot dogs are the best!).I'm writing to you, however,

A Letter To Ubisoft

2009-06-23T21:04:00.002-04:00

Don't get used to it.Jason VandenbergheCreative Director - Red Steel 2Ubisoft ParisAusterlitz 2000173-179 rue du Chevaleret75646 Paris Cedex 13Dear Mr. Vanderbeek,Bon jour from Ohio! I wanted to wish you good luck and God speed on your latest endeavor, creative directoring for the upcoming video game Red Steel 2. Initial impressions look great, and I've already put this game at the top of my

A Letter to the CDC

2009-05-06T12:26:00.002-04:00

Hi.Director - Richard E. Besser, M.D.Center For Disease Control and Prevention1600 Clifton RoadAtlanta, GA 30333Dear Dr. Besser,Good day and God Bless. I want to wish you strength and vigilance as you lead our country's fight against impending threats like the H1N1 virus. There are so many, many things to be afraid of in this day and age, and in trying to reduce that number to around 100 or so, I

A Letter to Kleenex

2009-04-23T15:34:00.003-04:00

Don't forget to read the new reply posted below.CEO Thomas J. FalkKleenex SubsidiaryKimberly-Clark CorporationPO Box 619100Dallas, TX 75261-9100Dear Mr. Falk,Congratulations on turning 50 this past year! It's a very special time in a man's life. Have you gone gray yet? Take it in stride, Tom. We all know the ones who are dipping brown. May I ask a personal question? Does it go gray

New Reply!

2009-04-23T13:26:00.004-04:00

If I can load it properly. Big if.Click here for the Land Shark Lager Original Letter.Reply:They also included a pretty nifty brushed nickel bottle opener with the Land Shark logo on it. Time to live the Margaritaville lifestyle!

A Letter to Newscaster Andrea Cambern

2009-04-16T14:38:00.002-04:00

I cleaned up on manager's specials today. A box of donuts for 79 cents, loaves of rye for 1.29. I passed on the select choice roast beef, though. It had passed its prime. Get it? Do you get it? You better get it.Andrea CambernAnchor - WBNS TV770 Twin Rivers DriveColumbus, Ohio 43215Dear Ms. Cambern,Greetings from Clintonville! It's interesting to me how quaint all of Columbus' neighborhoods sound

A Letter to the City of Bellefontaine

2009-03-31T15:02:00.003-04:00

The job search continues.Mayor Adam BrannonCity of BellefontaineMunicipal Building, Floor 2135 N Detroit StreetBellefontaine, OH 43311Dear Mr. Mayor,I'd like to officially throw my name in the hat for the city of Bellefontaine's official whatever-you're-hiring for-right-now. Do I need to know what exactly it is your city needs? No, I do not, because I see the answer to that question every time I

A Letter to Fred's Transmission

2009-03-23T15:52:00.002-04:00

I was just a skinny lad, never knew no good from bad.Fred's Transmission and Clutch4410 Lincolnway EastMishawaka, IN 46544Dear Fred,I have a bit of a quandary I was hoping you could help me out with. You see, my brother suffers from a rare disease called porphyric dyslexia syndrome, or PDS. His brain will sometimes pull up a memory or image and switch it with whatever he's supposed to be focusing

A Letter to the Mexican Restaurant

2009-03-17T09:55:00.004-04:00

If that Pioneer Woman blog can be nominated for an award, so can I.General ManagerEl Vaquero Mexican Restaurant3230 Olentangy River RoadColumbus, OH 43202Hola Sir or Madam,Gracias for reading my letter, I'm sure you are a very busy muchacho. I love American Mexican food, it's the best comfort meal you can find. I've been to a lot of places in my day, too, but none of them as near to my house as

A Letter to Parks and Recreation

2009-03-10T16:28:00.003-04:00

Hope schmope, you can't change Washington.Jerry Saunders - PresidentColumbus Parks and Recreation1111 E. Broad StreetColumbus, OH 43205Dear Mr. Saunders,Are you fat? I'm sorry to pry, but if you are fat it well help my proceeding argument. Plus, it's a real eye-catching way to open a letter. In our fast-paced world of today, it's so important to be able to grab attention. Sex! Wild asps! Stratego

A Letter to the Guy With the Astro-Turf Lawn

2009-03-06T12:13:00.004-05:00

Just driving around the neighborhood, la-la-la, that grass sure looks green for March, la-la-la, wait a minute, does that guy have an Astro Turf yard, la-la-la, looks like I have a letter idea for Monday, la-la-la.Current Resident349 Oakland ParkColumbus Ohio, 43214Dear Mr. Current Resident,As the weather warms in central Ohio, myself and other outdoor sports enthusiasts will be dusting off our

A Letter to the Man Who Took My Dog

2009-03-03T11:14:00.003-05:00

This isn't really a funny letter. Sorry.Gregory Bognar56779 Joseph LaneSouth Bend, IN 46619Dear Mr. Bognar,This is going to sound a little strange. Well, it will think a little strange, unless you're reading it out loud. You see, I'm not sure if you are who I think you are. We may have met once, and if so that means I was only at your house one time about 5-6 years ago. I just guessed on the

A Letter to Landshark Lager

2009-02-25T16:18:00.002-05:00

It's pretty funny how surprised and affronted people get when you call and ask for their mailing address. "You want our mailing address? What for?!"1 Busch PlaceAttn: 202-8CRGLandshark LagerReference #: 5389069Dear Brewmaster,Whew, that address is a doozy! I couldn't find it online, so I called your phone number and talked to Janelle. She wouldn't give me the address at first and wanted to take

A Letter to Bob Evans

2009-02-23T11:54:00.003-05:00

This is off-topic, but Natalie Portman is the best. My thought process goes like this: She's Jewish (I can become Jewish), she's hot (I can work out more), she lives in New York or something (I can drive there), she my age (I'm my age), she looks really sweet (5 out of 6 isn't bad). So, I'm saying there's a chance.Attn: General ManagerBob Evans Restaurant3140 Olentangy River RoadColumbus, Ohio

Not worth it!

2009-02-19T17:43:00.003-05:00

I was on the fence, but I'm not taking any chances. Especially not after that whole Yahoo! hockey thing. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, don't worry. I included a picture of daffodils. Sorry, M.

New Skyline Reply!

2009-02-18T15:18:00.004-05:00

When the CEO reads your letter and pens a real response, with a real signature, I don't care how short it is. Great reply.Note* This is really quite hilarious. Of course, posting the image failed, so I converted it to a pdf and loaded it on this Scribd website to embed it on Blogger. Naturally, although the pdf file is fine and I've checked it five times now, it is somehow askew when embedded

A Letter to Pastor Borger

2009-02-16T20:40:00.002-05:00

This was cathartic, and actually the most personal reflection I've done in probably two years.Pastor Bryan Borger437 Dragoon Trail EastMishawaka, IN 46544Dear Pastor Borger,Hello, sir. We don't know each other, but I wanted to write to somebody religious, and this was the last church I can remember going to as a child. We jumped around a lot, and I liked yours the best because it had a treehouse

A Letter to Lorne Michaels

2009-02-13T15:44:00.002-05:00

Have a great weekend.Lorne Michaelsc/o Broadway Video1619 BroadwayNew York City, NY 10019Dear Mr. Lorne,How are you? I just want to first say that I have long enjoyed your career and the entertainment you have provided to thousands and thousands of late night television viewers. I can't imagine keeping something like Saturday Night Live going for over 30 years! The staggering burnout must be

A Letter to Virginia Eaton

2009-02-10T11:52:00.002-05:00

I think we all feel the same way about that Pillsbury reply. I don't like being mean, but Virginia's non-reply has to be called out!Virginia EatonConsumer ServicesP.O. Box 9452Minneapolis, MN 55440Dear Virginia,I received your letter responding to my dilemma over the Pillsbury Doughboy, and I just wanted to let you know that it wasn't helpful at all. In your letter you specifically said to "

A Letter to the Mayor

2009-02-09T16:42:00.003-05:00

I really did see this over the weekend. Great moment.Mayor Michael Coleman90 W Broad StColumbus, OH 43215Dear Mayor Coleman,Hello from one of your biggest supporters! First off, let me compliment you by saying yours is one of the widest mustaches I've ever seen. Most mustaches never go past a man's lips, and if they do then they've "taken off" from his face and can be oiled and manipulated into

Pillsbury reply

2009-02-09T12:05:00.005-05:00

Original letterReply:

Faygo Reply

2009-02-09T11:34:00.003-05:00

Original LetterReply:

F*** Blogger!

2009-02-06T12:39:00.003-05:00

Why is Google doing this to me? I used to love them. Then two days ago they took away my web search button in Gmail for some unknown reason. Now, even though I'm putting up a picture via Picasa, THEIR OWN SOFTWARE, it still doesn't work.Except when I first put it up, it worked then. Five minutes later though the links are broken.Please leave your addresses in the comments sections so I can drive

A Letter to Skyline Chili

2009-02-05T19:52:00.002-05:00

It's Skyline time!CEO Kevin R. McDonnellSkyline Chili Inc.4180 Thunderbird LaneFairfield, OH 45014Dear Mr. McDonnell,What an ironic name! I bet people kid you about that all the time. Because it's almost McDonald, get it? Moving on, I am doing very well, which is in no small part due to the dinner I just had at your Skyline Chili location on Bethel Road in Columbus. I had a four-way with

A Letter to Alec Baldwin

2009-02-03T14:04:00.002-05:00

What a terrible day!Alec BaldwinEl Dorado PicturesP.O. Box 8677La Crescenta, CA 91224-0677Dear Mr. Baldwin,Boy, am I having a bad day. It started out fine enough; I woke up. My grandfather used to say, "Any day you wake up alive is a good day." He also once said, "Every animal on the earth except the pig should be killed, to make way for more pigs." And, once when I was 11 he told me to "always

A Letter to the Statue of Liberty

2009-02-02T17:15:00.003-05:00

Did I already write this letter? It feels like I already wrote this letter. I'm going to feel pretty stupid if I check the archives and find I already wrote this letter.Attn: SuperintendentNational Park ServiceStatue of Liberty National MonumentLiberty Island, NY, NY 10004Dear Superintendent,First of all, let me tell you that I am a man of taste, which is why I never miss an episode of the

A Letter To Lionsgate Studios

2009-01-29T19:35:00.002-05:00

Another good letter idea, this time from irishamish. Also, the new Franz Ferdinand album is pretty good, you should check it out. It's more techno and dancy than the first two, though, which I don't enjoy as much.Attn: CEO2700 Colorado AvenueSanta Monica, CA 90404Dear Mr. Executive,Hello, to sunny California! It's currently 10 degrees in Ohio, with about four inches of ice and another six of

A Letter to Crocs

2009-01-27T10:12:00.005-05:00

This is dedicated to Patrick Wilbraham, who can't be with me today, because I'm the only one working in my office.Mr. Ronald R. SnyderCEO - Crocs, Inc.6328 Monarch Park PlaceNiwot, CO 80503Dear Mr. Snyder,It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. I am contacting you today because of a breakthrough I recently had in the field of ideas and progress. You see, last weekend I was at the volunteer's banquet

Reply From Virginia

2009-01-26T12:15:00.001-05:00

Original letter can be found here. I really hope this clicks to a larger version, I am so sick of trying to figure out how to post photos here. It's souring my usually cheer deposition.

A Letter To Aunt Jemima

2009-01-22T20:51:00.003-05:00

I never knew these feelings existed.Gary RodkinPresident of The Quaker Oats Company555 W Monroe Street Fl. 1Chicago, IL 60661Dear Mr. Rodkin,Hello, sir. To immediately put your mind at ease, I am not writing to complain about your racist Aunt Jemima bottle. I found a similar letter on the internet and just want you to know that I don't want to get in the middle of that. It said her bandanna was

I'm back.

2009-01-22T20:40:00.002-05:00

Hello, friend. How are you? I took a little leave of absinthe, and I apologize about that. I should have told you. Writing a letter every day is very difficult. Actually, it isn't, but writing a good letter everyday is. I've never considered myself to be a perfectionist, but in thinking about it the last few days I might have a little of it in me. Or perhaps a perfectionist is just someone afraid

A Letter to The Columbus Dispatch

2009-01-12T09:51:00.007-05:00

I wanted to practice writing a press release. And what's the point of writing something if you don't intend for it to be published?P.S. Damnit, I hate when I do that! You RSS feed people just won this round...Attn: Alan Miller, News Managing EditorThe Columbus Dispatch34 S 3rd StreetColumbus, OH 43215Re: PRESS RELEASE - FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASEColumbus, OH - The Correspondent, of somewhere in

A Letter to the Refectory

2009-01-08T21:22:00.000-05:00

It's so easy to write a letter when I have an idea already. This is the opposite of that.Kamas BoulosOwner - The Refectory Restaurant1092 Bethel RoadColumbus, Ohio 43220Dear Mr. Boulos,How are you today, sir? I hope you are well. I have had a fairly boring evening. My lady friend and I went to Sam's Club in search of wholesale boxes of Ensure Geriatric Drink. She's entered into a rigorous

A Letter To Death

2009-01-07T10:19:00.002-05:00

Remember how hard Death was in Castlevania? He was harder than Dracula! Hello!Paul T. Walker, Jr.Union Cemetery3349 Olentangy River RoadColumbus, OH 43202Dear Mr. Walker,I hope you are well, sir. I come to you with a delicate issue that I'm hoping you can resolve. You see, every Monday I take my five year-old neice to her belly-dancing class (her parents are very progressive) at Ohio State, and

A Letter To a Financial Advisor

2009-01-05T12:49:00.005-05:00

How do we make money? It's simple: volume.Anthony Venetta6055 Tain DriveDublin, OH 43017Dear Mr. Venetta,Sir, you need to sit down. Are you sitting? I'll give you a moment to find yourself a really comfortable chair.Ok. Now, what would you say if I told you we could amass a quantity of wealth so towering that no economic recession could ever cripple our incredibly decadent and immoral lifestyles?

Let's Try This Again

2009-01-05T10:19:00.004-05:00

President Mark Erickson wrote me back about my big new ideas for the future of Wittenberg University.Original Letter...and the reply.

A Letter to Randy

2008-12-31T19:54:00.003-05:00

I'm pretty buzzed.Randy Mortensen 55009 County Road C Center, CO 81125Dear Randy,Randy, Randy, Randy. Hello, Randy. There you are. You know, I just made up a name in my head and searched for it, and up popped your name. What a trip! Who knows if you're real or not. Maybe nothing's real, you know? No, I'm just screwing with you. Also, I've been

A Letter to Nintendo

2008-12-30T11:19:00.005-05:00

Only one more day left in this craptastic year.President Reggie Fils-AimesNintendo of America4820 150th Ave NERedmond, WA 98052Dear Mr. Fils-AimesGreetings, Reginald! I hope you have had a pleasant Christmas. I received two cast-iron skillets and a dutch oven (the cookware kind). What did you get? I bet it was something nice, like a big Cowboy belt buckle or a watch made of onyx. Anyway, I'm

A Letter To Norm Abram

2008-12-29T15:15:00.006-05:00

This topic probably consumed three hours of conversation while driving everywhere last week.Norm AbramNew Yankee WorkshopP.O. Box 161Lexington, MA 02420Dear Mr. Abram,Hi, Norm! My lady friend really loves your show. She watches it all the time. In fact, I was actually getting ready to write this letter to Bob Vila when she said to me, "Bob Vila?! He's Cuban American!" She's obviously got some

A Letter to Bob Barker

2008-12-23T11:59:00.002-05:00

It was 11:30 last night when I realized I hadn't written a letter, so sorry about that. I'll post another one later today to make up for it. Also, get over yourselves, Bears fans. Are you really that excited at the chance of sneaking into the NFC playoffs? That's like getting wait-listed to Ohio State.Bob BarkerThe DJ&T Foundation200 North Larchmont Boulevard Suite 3Los Angeles, CA 90004Dear Bob,

A Letter to Pillsbury

2008-12-19T16:13:00.004-05:00

I actually wrote a letter everyday this week! Congratulations to me.Kendall PowellCEO - General Mills, Inc.P.O. Box 9452Minneapolis, MN 55440Dear Mr. Powell,Please, sir, I need your help. I understand that you are a very busy man (with a name like Kendall Powell you'd have to be!), but I wasn't sure who else to write. To be honest, I'm afraid my problem might be over both our heads, as it

A Letter to the Prosecuting Attorney

2008-12-18T20:40:00.003-05:00

What evil lurks in the hearts of men?Ron O'BrienFranklin County Prosecuting Attorney's Office 373 South High Street, 14th Floor Columbus, Ohio 43215Dear Mr. O'Brien, Esq.,Hello, Mr. O'Brien, Esq. As I look out of my window on High Street at all the depravity that has overtaken my fair city, I sleep better knowing that we have civil servants such as yourself working tirelessly to

New Reply!

2008-12-18T10:36:00.004-05:00

Lands' End wrote me back. The interesting note is that the woman I wrote the letter to is the one who wrote the reply. Neat! Original letter is linked before the reply.Lands' End LetterReply:

A Christmas Letter

2008-12-17T20:37:00.003-05:00

I think everyone has my Christmas letter by now who is likely to get one, so this does no harm. I also think it's a lot easier to post something that's already written than it is to write something new. Cop out? Or cop in? Think about it.To: Immediate family and close friendsLots of places, USA Dear Gentle Reader, Hello, loved one! It’s been a long year, and we’ve sure missed you. You and your

A Letter to a Police Sketch Artist

2008-12-16T15:17:00.002-05:00

If you're reading this, Dad, I only have one thing to say. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...Stephen Mancusi 1006 Brown St Peekskill, NY 10566Dear Mr. Mancusi,Hello, good sir. Might I first say that I've been to your website, and you are a striking man. Bald, sure, but striking nonetheless. I mean, at least you went bald the good way, right? I'd

A Letter to Fruit Loops

2008-12-15T20:27:00.003-05:00

Worst. Letter. Ever. I've got to plead a pass on tonight, folks, I spent 45 minutes trying to find someone with a verifiable address to write to with my original idea. Then I got fed up, blended the idea with this other idea and wrote this. Of course, I thought the letter to the crazy leaf lady was terrible, so what do I know?Margaret BathVice President, Research, Quality and TechnologyKellogg

A Letter to the Pringle Man

2008-12-12T21:25:00.004-05:00

I'm getting lazy with the addresses. I'll look em up tomorrow. Thankfully, I don't have any football to watch.Gene WolfeChicagoDear Mr. Wolfe,I don't have time for pleasantries right now, so we'll save the introductions for a later date. Through various channels two facts have been brought to my attention. First, that you, sir, played an integral role in the creation and manufacturing process

A Letter to My Face Twin

2008-12-11T21:16:00.002-05:00

I got caught up at a meeting tonight but I wanted to get a letter out. I'll look up his full address tomorrow.Ronnie BensonNYU Theatre Dept.New York, NYDear Mr. Benson,Hello to you and the Big Apple! I hate New York City. I've never been there, but I hate the people there. They all think the world revolves around them and they have stupid little conservations about what the best midtown burger is

A Letter to Val Kilmer

2008-12-10T21:02:00.002-05:00

My brother bought The Dark Knight last night for $25. I saw it in the theatre for $1. Why does he even bother getting up in the morning?Val KilmerP.O. Box 362Tesuque, NM 87574Dear Mr. Kilmer,Hey, Iceman! How's it going? I'm good, good, just hanging out drinking a Bud, watching some HGTV. You ever watch Property Ladder? Man, do those people even know what a budget is? Hello! Anybody home, McFly?

A Letter to Reserve My Wedding

2008-12-09T16:37:00.002-05:00

Kenneth W. Bladh, ProvostWittenberg University213 Recitation HallP.O. Box 720Springfield, OH 45501Dear Mr. Bladh,Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Bladh. The holiday season has me in a bit of a sullen mood, as I wile away the days in December rain, thinking of Christmas Past and of all the opportunities I've let slip by. The people I've loved but moved on from, the people I've loved and had taken away.

A Letter to Ms. Largin

2008-12-05T20:49:00.004-05:00

All of my letters are what I would call intellectually honest, that is to say, a decent part of me is entirely serious when writing them. Sometimes the balance shifts between what may just be a joke and what is actually serious, and perhaps the comedy shifts as well. This is decidedly serious, so I apologize if it is decidedly not that funny. This preface was decidedly confusing and stupid.Ms.

A Letter to Faygo

2008-12-04T19:43:00.003-05:00

I spent a long time deciding who could sponsor me in this mission. Then it hit me. Faygo Beverages.Alan A. ChittaroExecutive Vice PresidentFaygo Beverages3579 Gratiot AveDetroit, MI 48207Dear Mr. Chittaro,Hello, Mr. Chittaro, my name is The Correspondent. I'm a long-time Faygo fanatic who can never get enough of your wonderful creme soda. Here's a delicious treat you might be interested in: blend

New Replies!

2008-12-03T11:45:00.004-05:00

This past weekend I received two new replies, and I finally remembered to bring them into work to be scanned. I will float the following protocol out there for these replies: post the scans* and a brief explanation in a separate post at the top of the page, and also link back to the original letters which will now include the updated correspondence.*Note: I have decided not to scan

A Letter to Just For Men

2008-12-02T20:13:00.002-05:00

I'm not lying when I say this question has puzzled me for several years.Combe Incorporated1101 Westchester AvenueWhite Plains, NY 10604Attn: President Christopher B. CombeDear Mr. Combe,Hello, Mr. Combe. I find it more than a little suspicious that a man who owns a personal care conglomerate is named "Combe," but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm writing you regarding your

A Letter to the Head of Pixar

2008-12-01T12:19:00.007-05:00

Doobie doobie doo.Andrew StantonMill Valley, CADear Mr. Stanton,What a pleasure to finally sort of meet you, sir! I've been a Pixar fan for many years and think your team has consistently captured the magic I see everyday in the eyes and hearts of all those innocent children. Kudos to you!You know, I used to be a child. It's true! I used to make up all sorts of little fantasies. I remember I used

A Letter To 103.9 The Bear

2008-11-28T20:12:00.002-05:00

It just occurred to me that this it the second radio station I've written. Also, I apologize for the terrible updates this week; Thanksgiving threw me for a loop (I cook, not just show up.) I will work on building a back log this weekend so I may continue posting each weekday starting on Monday.WRBR Radio237 West Edison RoadMishawaka, IN 46545Attn: General Station ManagerDear Sir or Madam,If I

A Letter To Penn Tennis Balls

2008-11-24T20:24:00.002-05:00

I don't get how tennis is scored. One set Serena Venus will win by, like, 6-2, and then the next she'll win 7-6. It makes no sense. What are they playing to??Kevin KempinVice President Sales and MarketingPenn Racquet Sports306 S 45th AvenuePhoenix, AZ 85043Dear Mr. Kempin,Hello and right back at ya! Do you get it? I imagined that you first said hello to me, followed by a friendly colloquial

A Letter To the PTA

2008-11-19T21:07:00.002-05:00

Sandy, can't you see I'm in misery? We made a start, now we're apart - there's nothing left for me. Love has flown, I'm all alone. I sit and wonder why-i-i oh why you left me, oh Sandy...oh, Sandy baaaaby someday when hi-igh school is done, somehow, someway our two worlds will be one. In heaven in forever and ever we will be. Baby, say you're stay. Oh, Sandy.This has gone on much longer than I

A Letter To the English Department

2008-11-18T20:31:00.002-05:00

Letters beget more letters. So it was written in the Book of Numbers.Dr. Robin L. InbodenChair - English DepartmentWittenberg UniversityP.O. Box 720Springfield, OH 45501Dear Dr. Inboden,Hello, how are you? I'm fine. You would be so proud of me. I started writing this letter and the little Microsoft Office paperclip asked if I needed any help, but I clicked "cancel"! I graduated from the English

A Special Thanksgiving Treat

2008-11-17T20:55:00.013-05:00

Apropos of the letter to John Madden, here's my recipe for the Thanksgiving Turdukenigobinail, which I wrote last year for thehelicon.com. I thought it might be a nice mix up from the letters. Here is the original link.Thanksgiving is just around the corner, which means you've got a little over a week to get your holiday menu in order. This year, instead of serving that same tired bird to

A Letter To John Madden

2008-11-17T20:09:00.004-05:00

Boom! I wrote a letter to John Madden. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to track down these people's home addresses? I ought to send my resume to the FBI. They can add it to my file.John MaddenPleasanton, CADear Mr. Madden,It's a pleasure to correspond with you, sir. Your work in our country's greatest sport has been well-documented, and it is my great honor to be able to tell you in my

A Letter To Dr. Frankenstein

2008-11-14T16:00:00.004-05:00

Oops, almost forgot my intro sentence. So, uh, here it is.Dr. Ronald MillerOmega Executive Healthcare3650 Olentangy River RoadColumbus, Ohio 43214Dear Dr. Miller,Let me first congratulate you on over twenty years of service to our community through your medical training and expertise. A doctor! I used to think doctors were super-human people who were ten times smarter than the rest of the

A Letter To the Head of Grapes

2008-11-14T10:28:00.005-05:00

Ironically, I'm eating a banana right now.National Grape Cooperative Association, Inc.National Grape2 South Portage StreetWestfield, NY 14787Attn: President Randolph GrahamDear Mr. Graham,Thank you so much for growing your delicious grapes. Grapes have played such a large role in our nation's history, and every time I pop one in my mouth I smile and think of our country's ancestors who brought

A Letter To Ornithologist David Sibley

2008-11-12T21:59:00.003-05:00

I am having one of those weeks. I'm tired at 7:00 PM every night and I'm stuck on this one project at work that's taking forever. Fun things like this blog shouldn't be a chore. Why am I talking to you about this?!Mr. David Sibley45 Isaac Davis RoadConcord, MA 01742Dear Mr. Sibley,Greetings from Ohio! Last night I noticed several crows acting crazy in the sky outside my apartment. Concerned, I

A Letter To Milton Bradley

2008-11-11T22:26:00.002-05:00

There is a wonderful joke hidden in here. The Aladdin of jokes. A diamond in the rough. I've probably hyped it way too much now.Milton Bradley Company443 Shaker RoadEast Longmeadow, MA 01028-3124Attn: The PresidentDear Mr. Bradley,So many years, so many memories! I had to write and thank you for years of great family fun. None of the new games can hold a candle to Milton Bradley’s classic board

A Letter To My Alma Mater (with reply)

2008-11-10T23:02:00.004-05:00

Reply below.It's not Tuesday yet. I'm allowed to post a letter really late, if I have a good excuse. Tonight I took a bubble bath and afterwards felt dizzy.Office of the PresidentWittenberg UniversityP.O. Box 720Springfield, Ohio 45501-0720President Mark EricksonDear Mr. Erickson,As a 2005 graduate of Wittenberg University, I’m always looking for ways to give back to my alma mater that doesn’t

A Letter To My Blog Twin

2008-11-07T13:26:00.005-05:00

I found out this man has a blog with the same name as mine! You can read it here.*Note: As was pointed out by a really attractive girl I've never met, I did have two versions of this letter up. To explain, I changed the part about my lady friend and her sister when I decided it wasn't that good. I'm still not that happy with the current part, but this is the version that was mailed.Mr. Jeffrey

A Letter To the Governor of Virginia

2008-11-06T23:13:00.001-05:00

Governor Tim KaineOffice of the GovernorPatrick Henry Building, 3rd Floor1111 East Broad StreetRichmond, Virginia 23219Dear Governor Kaine,Greetings from Columbus! I just wanted to congratulate you on running such a fine state. I hear Virginia is where it’s all happening – nature, industry, commerce, reproduction and even some harvesting. You’ve got it all!In fact, I’ve heard such great things

A Letter To My Name Twin

2008-11-05T16:01:00.004-05:00

My name isn't really Name Redacted. Neither is this man's. You're just going to have to pretend. Also, my name and return address are at the top of every letter. You're going to have to imagine that, as well.Name Redacted 5555 E 55th Street

A Letter To the Head of Eggs

2008-11-04T22:17:00.003-05:00

This letter came accompanied with a homemade pie chart, but my lady friend accidentally deleted my only copy of it. So I "deleted" her EpiPen into the trash can. Good luck eating walnuts, lady friend.American Egg Board Office:1460 Renaissance DrivePark Ridge, IL 60068 Dear Mr. President, I am writing today because of a troubling flaw I have found with your product, the egg. You see, I am

A Letter To Lands' End

2008-11-03T20:38:00.002-05:00

Updated with reply.Perch are beautiful fish.Kelly A. RitchieLands’ End, Inc.1 Lands’ End LaneDodgeville, WI 53595Dear Ms. Ritchie,Let me tell you a story. When I was a little boy, oh, maybe ten years old, my old man took me fishing down at Potato Creek State Park in Indiana, which was interesting because it was actually a lake. But if you went to the head of the lake there was a wide creek, which

A Letter to a Doctor

2008-10-31T16:27:00.002-04:00

I haven't consulted a doctor in three years. Time to get a few things straightened out.Chair - Andrew I. Schafer, M.D. Weill Cornell Medical College Department of Medicine 525 East 68th Street, Box 130 New York, NY 10065Dear Dr. Schafer,Lately I've had several questions about my growing body that I cannot find answers to. Unfortunately, I don't have health insurance, so I cannot speak

A Letter To the Former Mayor

2008-10-30T20:16:00.002-04:00

Joe Kernan used to be the Mayor of the town I grew up in. I have held a small grudge against him for the last 18 years.Joe Kernan110 E Pokagon StreetSouth Bend, IN 46617Dear Mr. Mayor,It’s a pleasure to write to you, sir, who served both the city of South Bend and the state of Indiana so well for so many years. I grew up in South Bend, and I remember wondering if anybody ever even bothered

A Letter To the First Grade

2008-10-29T22:26:00.003-04:00

I am contemplating whether or not to add my own personal drawing.Tarkington Elementary School3414 Hepler StreetSouth Bend, IN 46635Attn: Mrs. Hesch’s First Grade ClassDear Children,It occurred to me while watching David Letterman that first grade classes are always writing people letters, but nobody ever writes them! There is too much unfairness in this world for me to let this injustice go on

A Letter to Hah-vard

2008-10-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

This is based on a real conversation I had in bed last night with my lady friend. I've also previously brought a lit jack-o-lantern into bed "to replace her" and suggested to her that we podcast our pillow talk. Separate events.Dean Jay O. LightHarvard Business SchoolSoldiers FieldBoston, MA 02163Dear Mr. Light,I was wondering if I could write you and tell you how grateful I am that we have such

A Letter to the HEPA people.

2008-10-28T21:10:00.000-04:00

I have yet to hear a credible argument against this brilliant idea.HEPA Corporation3071 East Coronado StreetAnaheim, CA 92806Attn: PresidentDear Mr. President,Good day to you, sir, and may I first say how much I've always enjoyed your quality filtering products. I'd rather have a pair of HEPA filters than these two kidneys I've got, but you can't make a trade-in with the Big Man Himself. But

A Letter to Sherlock Holmes

2008-10-28T21:05:00.003-04:00

No, I couldn't write a letter to Sherlock Holmes. I couldn't even write a letter to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. So I did the next best thing.Mrs. Andrea Plunket408 Debruce RoadLivingston ManorNew York 12758Dear Mrs. Plunket,First, I apologize for interrupting you in this manner. Please know I would never call on you at this hour if I were not at my complete wit's end. As the administrator of the

A Letter To Pepsi

2008-10-19T18:08:00.002-04:00

This letter needs little explanation, so here's a little explanation: Crystal Pepsi was the greatest beverage to ever wet the lips of man.700 Anderson Hill RoadPurchase, NY, 10577(914) 253-2000Massimo F. d’AmoreChief Executive OfficerDear Mr. d’AmoreI am writing to express my many years of thanks for the quality products the Pepsi-Cola Company has delivered into my home. With the exception of

A Letter To Jim Tressel

2008-10-19T18:02:00.002-04:00

Jim Tressel coaches football at Ohio State. I part my hair on the left.Head Coach Jim TresselWoody Hayes Athletic CenterLes Wexner Football Complex535 Irving Schottenstein DriveColumbus, OH 43210Dear Mr. Tressel,I am writing you today to express my heartfelt thanks for your many years of service with the community. Our community appreciates everything the Tressels have done for this community,

A Letter to CD101

2008-10-19T17:41:00.001-04:00

CD101 is an alternative radio station in Columbus. I don't have numbers, but it's a yearly runaway winner in Columbus Monthly's Best List. They have listeners. The strange part is their website, which is pretty ugly.My letter, however, focuses on their weekday morning DJs, Joe Jewett, Doctor Smith and Krista Kae. I wonder what Doctor Smith's Ph.D. is in. Better not be something dumb, like

A Letter To Ice Mountain Water

2008-10-19T17:02:00.002-04:00

The following letter was written after observing one of the new eco-friendly water bottles Ice Mountain Water has been touting. And by touting I mean selling. To my boss, who had them in the fridge.Ice Mountain WaterP.O. Box 628Wilkes Barre, PA 18703Dear Ice Mountain Water CEO,Just thought you would like to know how much I recently enjoyed a bottle of your refreshing water beverage. I tried one

Dear Reader,

2008-10-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

This blog archives the daily letters I write to various companies and persons, along with their irregular replies. Each letter is 100% real and all inquiries are presented in complete intellectual honesty. Exaggerations occur, but each letter is presented in good faith from a serious wonderment or thought.Each weekday will bring a new letter, so please check frequently and subscribe to the RSS