Jack Swarbrick
Athletic Director
University of Notre Dame
C113 Joyce Center
Notre Dame, IN 46556
Dear Mr. Swarbrick, Esquire,
Good day to you, sir. As a former citizen of South Bend who grew up just a few blocks from Notre Dame Stadium, I have been a lifelong fan of the Irish. I watch every football game and have even been to a few myself (your hot dogs are the best!).
I'm writing to you, however, because the recent spurt of celebrity deaths has me thinking of my own mortality. Even though I'm only 26, death - like cobras - can strike at any time. Therefore I've decided to plan my last requests now. I've already detailed my postmortem wishes to my special lady friend, but I wanted to CC you in on the plan since it involves Notre Dame.
First, I have always loved the sport of Ultimate. Therefore, I've asked my lady friend to have my remains cremated and used in the manufacture of a Discraft 175-gram Ultrastar sport disc. It will be standard white, just like I used to be. Next, I want my disc-body to be used in a game of Ultimate played on the field of Notre Dame Stadium. Teams will be comprised of my favorite Ultimate teammates from over the years. I know you don't like night games, but I'd like you to make an exception for my death ritual. As a concession of good faith, I can promise no rowdy tailgating beforehand.
The reason I am requesting a night game is because after the final point, I want my friend, Frank, to dip my ash-disc into a bucket of kerosene and light it on fire, then throw it as far as he can from the south endzone towards Touchdown Jesus. I'm sure the sight of my flaming disc-body whipping through the dark night will be a moment to remember. Then, I want each player to stand and watch it burn, silently, before walking off one by one, never to speak to each other again. Just like at the end of Ocean's 11.
Please let me know if my special lady friend can count on your support should the unthinkable happen, Dr. Swarbrick, Esq. I don't know where I'll be then, Jack, but I'll know about it. And I'll be happy.
Yours Truly,
The Correspondent
Monday, July 13, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
A Letter To Ubisoft
Don't get used to it.
Jason Vandenberghe
Creative Director - Red Steel 2
Ubisoft Paris
Austerlitz 2000
173-179 rue du Chevaleret
75646 Paris Cedex 13
Dear Mr. Vanderbeek,
Bon jour from Ohio! I wanted to wish you good luck and God speed on your latest endeavor, creative directoring for the upcoming video game Red Steel 2. Initial impressions look great, and I've already put this game at the top of my list for must-have purchases of the Fall (along with a big pumpkin and a new haircut).
Since I'm such a big fan, I have of course watched the trailer for your new game several times. I love the art style and action, but I have to admit, there's just one problem. I don't know if you've noticed, but the bad guys in your game say a lot of the same phrases over and over again. Specifically, they shout "Come on!", "Get some!" or "You're going to pay for that" on a near constant basis. I know you're probably really busy writing algorithms and what-not, so you probably haven't noticed.
Unfortunately, it's the little things like this that can turn a great game like Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo into a terrible game, like Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis. It's just annoying to hear the same thing shouted over and over again. To illustrate, I decided to test my special lady friend by only using those three phrases during dinner tonight. First she told me we were eating spaghetti (again!?), so I shouted, "Come on!" Then she told me that if I didn't like it, I could make my own damn dinner. Naturally, I told her she would pay for that. That's when she got angry and asked if I was trying to start a fight on purpose. Well, you know what happened next....
I told her to "get some."
So now, here I am, relegated to the back of the apartment with no air conditioning while she watches an encore of Jon & Kate's Very Special Divorce Special while eating double chocolate Klondike bars and petting the cats. I like the cats. So please, if it's in your budget, perhaps you could record at least three more phrases for the hundreds of antagonists in your story to shout repeatedly. Maybe something like, "I smell trouble!" or "Is that the best you got?!" If you need anymore help with your game, I'm happy to share my opinion and can be reached at the above address.
Come on,
The Correspondent
Jason Vandenberghe
Creative Director - Red Steel 2
Ubisoft Paris
Austerlitz 2000
173-179 rue du Chevaleret
75646 Paris Cedex 13
Dear Mr. Vanderbeek,
Bon jour from Ohio! I wanted to wish you good luck and God speed on your latest endeavor, creative directoring for the upcoming video game Red Steel 2. Initial impressions look great, and I've already put this game at the top of my list for must-have purchases of the Fall (along with a big pumpkin and a new haircut).
Since I'm such a big fan, I have of course watched the trailer for your new game several times. I love the art style and action, but I have to admit, there's just one problem. I don't know if you've noticed, but the bad guys in your game say a lot of the same phrases over and over again. Specifically, they shout "Come on!", "Get some!" or "You're going to pay for that" on a near constant basis. I know you're probably really busy writing algorithms and what-not, so you probably haven't noticed.
Unfortunately, it's the little things like this that can turn a great game like Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo into a terrible game, like Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis. It's just annoying to hear the same thing shouted over and over again. To illustrate, I decided to test my special lady friend by only using those three phrases during dinner tonight. First she told me we were eating spaghetti (again!?), so I shouted, "Come on!" Then she told me that if I didn't like it, I could make my own damn dinner. Naturally, I told her she would pay for that. That's when she got angry and asked if I was trying to start a fight on purpose. Well, you know what happened next....
I told her to "get some."
So now, here I am, relegated to the back of the apartment with no air conditioning while she watches an encore of Jon & Kate's Very Special Divorce Special while eating double chocolate Klondike bars and petting the cats. I like the cats. So please, if it's in your budget, perhaps you could record at least three more phrases for the hundreds of antagonists in your story to shout repeatedly. Maybe something like, "I smell trouble!" or "Is that the best you got?!" If you need anymore help with your game, I'm happy to share my opinion and can be reached at the above address.
Come on,
The Correspondent
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
