Thursday, December 18, 2008

A Letter to the Prosecuting Attorney

What evil lurks in the hearts of men?

Ron O'Brien
Franklin County Prosecuting Attorney's Office
373 South High Street, 14th Floor
Columbus, Ohio 43215

Dear Mr. O'Brien, Esq.,

Hello, Mr. O'Brien, Esq. As I look out of my window on High Street at all the depravity that has overtaken my fair city, I sleep better knowing that we have civil servants such as yourself working tirelessly to bring justice into every dark corner of Columbus. The truth is, though, you can't do it alone. You're just one man! You need us, your vigilant citizens, to pick up the torch and light a fire under the hearts of men. That's why I'd like to apply to be the Columbus Batman.

Now, obviously, I can't be called Columbus Batman. I don't really want to be a bat anyway. But as far as being a shadowy wraith that haunts the back alleys of Columbus, striking fear in the hearts of evil men, well, I think I'm up to the task. It can't be that hard. First, I just need to be in better physical shape than most Columbus criminals. If they are anything like regular Columbus citizens, this won't be a problem. Next I'll need some training, but there's a martial arts studio next to my apartment. Master Mollica owes me anyway; he's always doing tai chi in the parking lot while I'm trying to park.

Once I'm trained, I'll just need some light body armor and a signal on the top of the LeVeque Tower. I don't have a whole lot of money, so I was hoping you could pull some strings and get me some gear from the police department. As for the signal, I was thinking of a spotlight in the shape of a sparrow, since my last name is German for 'little bird." What? Of course it's intimidating! Well, tell that to Poland!

As you can see, I have a passion for justice that cannot be satiated through legal means. All I'm looking for is a little cooperation from the City of Columbus. First, if a cop sees a red Ford Focus speeding through downtown at midnight, don't pull me over, I'm crime-fighting! Second, don't tell anyone my real name. It could mean disastrous retribution for Master Mollica and his class of 10-12 year old youth shaolins. Finally, from now on, just call me the Sparrow.

You don't have to thank me, Mr. O'Brien, Esq. I'm just doing my job. So, if I have your support, please write me back, but be discreet. In fact, perhaps a letter isn't the best way to reach me at all...

With My Eyes On the Sky,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

You are probably too young to know this, but Sammy Davis, Jr. has a theme song for you, Sparrow.

Anonymous said...

"Don't kill me!"

"I'm not going to kill you. I want you tell all your friends about me."

"Who are you?!"

"I'm Sparrow!"

Anonymous said...

somebody try ta capitalize on yo shit


Anonymous said...

Thanks to the Sparrow, I felt much safer whilst traveling through Columbus en route to my parents' to enjoy the winter holiday. I am much obliged!

Anonymous said...

Your name means "bell" in German. "Kleiner Vogel" is German for "small bird."

I'm sorry to be so critical, but I wouldn't have read this far if I wasn't amused.