Monday, December 15, 2008

A Letter to Fruit Loops

Worst. Letter. Ever. I've got to plead a pass on tonight, folks, I spent 45 minutes trying to find someone with a verifiable address to write to with my original idea. Then I got fed up, blended the idea with this other idea and wrote this. Of course, I thought the letter to the crazy leaf lady was terrible, so what do I know?

Margaret Bath
Vice President, Research, Quality and Technology
Kellogg Company Kellogg Company P.O. Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016

Dear Ms. Bath,

Hello, from one Midwesterner to another! I think we live in the greatest part of the country, bar none, wouldn't you agree? American cars, power-running football, high fructose corn syrup and best of all a little card game called euchre. I'm sure you know the one, it's the greatest of them all. Tricks, trump, bowers and loners - it's got everything! Let me ask you, you ever cap a 10-9 comeback win by pushing through a limp-wristed loner sporting only the left-9? God, it was better than sex.

Now, I want to let you in on a little secret. I'm on the verge of founding a euchre tournament at my estate in southwest-central Ohio. I need an event that can be the foil to my bi-decade wintry dog-sledding race, which is already the fastest growing dog-sledding event in the lower United States. It's time I did for Midwestern euchre what I did for Midwestern dog-sledding, Miss Bath, and I want you to help!

My main event will pit 36 of the country's best players against each other in a high-stakes tournament held over three days at my mansion deep in the woods of Fayette County. The winner will receive $100,000 (One-Hundred Thousand Dollars (US)) and, with your blessing, their face on the Froot Loops box. No, not Wheaties! I hate Wheaties! It's got to be Froot Loops, how else will we draw kids into the sport?

There's more, though. Miss Bath, I want you to represent the southeast-central Michigan region at my own personal table. It is all expenses paid, and there is no entry fee. It's been a tough year for our economy and this is my Christmas gift to the country. My only request is that, for the Froot Loop box promotion, Kellogg change a few things about their recipe. First, make bigger loops. The loops have been getting smaller and smaller the last 25 years, and I can't thread the holes anymore to make necklaces. Second, get rid of the blue loops (there is no such thing as blue food). Third, stop making Reduced Sugar Froot Loops, it's a disgrace. I want to always wonder which bowl will be the one to finally give me diabetes.

If you accept the challenge, Miss Bath, then write me back at once. I am planning the tournament in the second quarter of 2009, so keep your calendar open.

Do svidaniya!

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Is it wrong that I laughed the hardest at the diabetes line?

Anonymous said...

You are awesome! I can't believe you did this. I noticed the 36 players, but the whole thing had me rolling. I laughed so hard at the diabetes line that I farted out loud. Thank you, and well done.