A Letter to Nintendo

Only one more day left in this craptastic year.

President Reggie Fils-Aimes
Nintendo of America
4820 150th Ave NE
Redmond, WA 98052

Dear Mr. Fils-Aimes

Greetings, Reginald! I hope you have had a pleasant Christmas. I received two cast-iron skillets and a dutch oven (the cookware kind). What did you get? I bet it was something nice, like a big Cowboy belt buckle or a watch made of onyx. Anyway, I'm writing to you because I have an incredible idea for a video game that I want you to make. I'd make it myself, but I never learned computer programming.

The name of my game is called Bar Brawl, and it's a fighting game based on getting really drunk and then fighting people in a bar. Think of the possibilities! First, the characters are endless. There's the skinny accountant who's meeting some run-down secretary for a drink. The plucky waitress who's putting herself through college (and has a big rack), the big bouncer with a possible military motif, the country kid who just came out to get laid, a piano player sick of getting lousy tips and an old, tough-as-nails bartender who's seen it all.

Bar Brawl is all about presentation, too. Instead of a menu where you choose who you fight, it's up to the player to walk up to somebody and instigate something. You can bump a guy while he's playing pool, or pinch the busty waitress' behind. During the fight you can use barstools, empty bottles, pool cues and anything else you can find in a bar. Different bars would be like different arenas, including a gay bar, a country bar, a downtown hip bar and an Applebee's.

Finally, there needs to be a power-up system based on how much alcohol you consume. Obviously, the more you drink the stronger and more wild you become. Brainstorm! Each fighter could have a drink that makes him stronger and a drink that makes him sick, and it's up to the player to figure out each character's weakness. We'll have to be careful, though, or those soccer moms from "California" will be all over us about the dangers of alcohol. Wait, I've got it! At the end of the game, when you try to drive home, your car's battery is dead. Problem solved!

Now, I understand that I don't work for Nintendo (you could remedy this, of course), but I still want to give you my idea. No money necessary, although a byline in the credits would be nice, along with maybe a copy of the game. Oh, and maybe you could add a character that looks like me. I would become all-powerful and speak in a British accent when given whiskey, but I'm reduced to waste whenever I drink vodka.

Please let me know what you think of my idea, because there's lots more where that came from. You and me could be a team, like a team of buddies. Hey, we could both have onyx watches, and when people ask where we got them, we'll say, "From my buddy!" Think about it!

Your Pal,

The Correspondent