Monday, January 5, 2009

A Letter To a Financial Advisor

How do we make money? It's simple: volume.

Anthony Venetta
6055 Tain Drive
Dublin, OH 43017

Dear Mr. Venetta,

Sir, you need to sit down. Are you sitting? I'll give you a moment to find yourself a really comfortable chair.

Ok. Now, what would you say if I told you we could amass a quantity of wealth so towering that no economic recession could ever cripple our incredibly decadent and immoral lifestyles? That no matter what, we'd never run out of caviar, beautiful red-headed women or gold-leaf toilet paper? I know what you'd say, you'd say, "Please tell me how in the next paragraph."

Well, Tony, today is your lucky day, because I just hit the enter button. Two words....Forever stamps. Yes! Think about it! The United States Postal Service is printing new money every single day, but it isn't green! Tiny little dollar bills with adhesive backs, that's where you and I will invest! Fact: the price of stamps will never stop going up. Fact: We can buy a gargantuan supply of forever stamps today for 42 cents apiece. Then, when the price inevitably skyrockets, we sell. We sell hard, Mr. Venetta.

You may ask yourself, why is this man sharing his investment secrets with me? Why do I deserve his help after all those terrible things I've done? It's simple, Mr. Venetta. I need a man on the inside. You'll be my eyes and ears in the places I can't go. And, years from now when you're enjoying your billions on some sandy beach at Hilton Head, I'll call on you for a favor. It may be a trifle - a parking violation I need help with or a jacket zipper that broke. Or, I may need you to kill a man, who knows. It will probably help me to have a list of your various skills. Are you any good at laying tile and grout? What do you know about faux finishes?

I understand that since you don't know me you may hesitate to put your financial future in my hands. Fear not, though. I graduated from one of the most forward-thinking liberal arts schools in Ohio. I also invented the Hepa Nose Filter and am the two-time defending champion of the Sothwest-Central Ohio Iditarod, the toughest dogsledding race in the lower 48. "The Mush of the Midwest!" they call it. You can call it that, too.

Well, sir, that's my proposal. If you'd like me to present it personally at your office in front of many colleagues, I can, but I'll probably just stand up and read the letter. I will make sure my belt matches my shoes. Just let me know.

Your Partner,

The Correspondent


Tom said...

This might work.