Thursday, January 8, 2009

A Letter to the Refectory

It's so easy to write a letter when I have an idea already. This is the opposite of that.

Kamas Boulos
Owner - The Refectory Restaurant
1092 Bethel Road
Columbus, Ohio 43220

Dear Mr. Boulos,

How are you today, sir? I hope you are well. I have had a fairly boring evening. My lady friend and I went to Sam's Club in search of wholesale boxes of Ensure Geriatric Drink. She's entered into a rigorous exercise program, you see, and has been feeling a little lightheaded during the day on her present caloric diet. Since it would be difficult for her to pack more food from home, we thought perhaps she could drink an Ensure each day and stave off the shakes.

Unfortunately, Sam's Club didn't carry Ensure. They did, however, carry a generic "dietary supplement drink" in the baby food section of their pharmacy. It's carbohydrates were fairly high, though, and apropos of her workout program she decided she would rather forgo a starchy drink in favor of something with more protein. We did, however, pick up a 15-pack of buns and a book of stamps, which will come in handy when I mail this letter.

Now, driving home from our shopping trip we passed your restaurant, The Refectory, one of Columbus' finest culinary establishments. I personally have never been there, mostly because I cannot afford it and partly because the name reminds me of the words 'factory' and 'refinery', which then leads to thoughts of gasoline and animal lard. I'm sure, however, that once inside I would forget completely about rendered pig fat and crude oil derivatives in lieu of what I imagine must be a mouth-watering menu.

Outside of your restaurant, though, is another matter. I was surprised and disappointed to see that your American flag, although flying high and well-lit, was in tatters (like Mick Jagger). The lowest stripe was almost completely torn free; it hung limp as a warm string cheese! Which of the thirteen colonies deserves such disrespect? New Hampshire? Maryland? Georgia? Don't answer about that last one. At least they gave us Coke!

Listen, I'm not here to judge you. All I'm saying is, you've already got a French chef. I'd like to think these things are mere coincidences, but what do I know? And I know anybody can complain, which is why I'm doing it. I think you should take your flag down and seek out a veterans group or Boy Scout troop so that it can be properly disposed of. Then, please buy a new flag and fly it high and proud. No thanks are necessary, not even a free gift certificate for dinner for two. I don't even think I could use it. All my lady friend eats is spaghetti and toast. One time I tricked her into eating venison and I thought she would slice my throat in the night.


The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Good stuff, Correspondent. With your permission, I'd like the use the line "And I know anybody can complain, which is why I'm doing it" in the future. Pure gold.

Anonymous said...

You, sir, are brilliant. Kudos!

Your new loyal reader,