Thursday, January 22, 2009

A Letter To Aunt Jemima

I never knew these feelings existed.

Gary Rodkin
President of The Quaker Oats Company
555 W Monroe Street Fl. 1
Chicago, IL 60661

Dear Mr. Rodkin,

Hello, sir. To immediately put your mind at ease, I am not writing to complain about your racist Aunt Jemima bottle. I found a similar letter on the internet and just want you to know that I don't want to get in the middle of that. It said her bandanna was racist, which has me a little worried, because I wear a bananna a lot in the summer. I wear a green one because it reminds me a little of the hat Link wears in The Legend of Zelda. I just love that game, I always thought Link would be a great name for a son, but my lady friend says, "no way, José!" Not that there's anything wrong with Mexicans...

Anyway, I'm in a little conundrum here. You see, in my cabinet are two 64 ounce bottles of your Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup, bought in unison at Sam's Club. My records show that they were purchased in June of 2007. I have finally depleted one bottle, but when I looked at the second it had an expiration date that reads January 2009. Well, sir, I do not know what to do.

It was my first trip to Sam's Club, you see, and I was trigger-happy with all the deals I saw. $8.69 for 128 ounces of syrup? It was too good to pass up. Around August, though, I was getting pretty sick of making pancakes, and my Aunt Jemima consumption nosedived. I tried to revive things with my Eggo fad of April 2008, but I burned out again and was left with 14 uneaten waffles in my box of sixty (Sam's Club again).

I don't want to waste this syrup, so is there anyway it will last another year and a half? Perhaps that expiration date is just something the government makes you put on there. I am so sick of government regulation! Or maybe the syrup has other uses that would benefit me, such as a facial wash or motor oil. I am willing to think outside the box on this one; $4.345 is hanging in the balance.

Please write me back with your advise on this remaining bottle of syrup. I need to figure out it's future so I may make room in the pantry for a 30 lb. bag of funnel cake mix (Sam's Club again).


The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

It was worth the wait!

Anonymous said...

I think there's a parody petition of the Aunt Jemima removal request waiting to be written to the little debbie people. the way they portray little white girls as plaid wearing, cowboy hat covered cupcake eaters is despicable...

Tom said...

First, I like how you say "I'm not writing about your racist Aunt Jemima bottle." Seriously, though, that shit is racist.

I really want them to reply.

Anonymous said...

Are you mispelling words on purpose? I've always remembered you as a grammatically correct writer. Is this supposed to be part of the character of The Correspondent?

Is "42" a reference to "The Hitchhiker's Guide"?

Anonymous said...

I think "42" is a reference to the price of stamps.