Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Letter to the HEPA people.

I have yet to hear a credible argument against this brilliant idea.

HEPA Corporation
3071 East Coronado Street
Anaheim, CA 92806
Attn: President

Dear Mr. President,

Good day to you, sir, and may I first say how much I've always enjoyed your quality filtering products. I'd rather have a pair of HEPA filters than these two kidneys I've got, but you can't make a trade-in with the Big Man Himself. But enough theology, I'm here today to talk to you about a business opportunity.

Now, your company has leveraged the discomfort and health problems related to allergies for your personal space filtering systems - yet you still can't compete with the multi-billion dollar drug industry those fat cats behind Allegra and Claritin have built for themselves. But what if you could cure allergies altogether and take their place in the market? That would surely take the clumping out of their kitty litter! Well, thanks to a brilliant idea I had in the bathtub earlier today, now you can.

Introducing the HEPA nose filter! Imagine it, two tiny discs of HEPA filters that will keep out anything bigger than a couple of microns, shoved up people's noses. We put the filters inside little rings of flexible rubber so you can easily bend them when you put them in your nose, then they flop out snugly against your nostril's walls, forcing all entering air to be filtered first. No more allergens! Attack the source! That's what Grandpa did in World War II, and that's what I want to do to pollen in 2009!

Ok, I know what you're thinking, who wants to stick a ring up their nose, right? I would have agreed with you six months ago, but have you seen what people are sticking up their fallopian tubes lately? Mirena and NuvaRing? If a doctor can get some woman to shove a plastic flux capacitor up her lady flower then you and I can get these filter rings up people's noses. Let's get to work, Mister Man!

Plus, our nose filter works both ways! Sick people will use them so they don't spread germs when they sneeze. They'll have them by the dozens to hand out in every elementary school classroom in America. Also, when you're done at the end of the day you can wash the filters to use again. They're dishwasher safe! Just put them in the fork basket.

Please write me as soon as possible so we can begin R&D and brand development. I was thinking of a name like Nos-Guard or Aller-Ring. I don't know; they still need some fleshing out. It won't matter in the long run, though. The important thing is that we act now, before it's too late...

Cheerily Yours,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

This idea has potential. However there's some other things to consider...

Should one sneeze...what sort of anchoring device would keep the ring in place?

In the event of a hearty snort of laugh...would the aforementioned anchoring device work in both directions?

A fella that works for me has a ...uhm... picking...problem. Would it be possible to afix a sort of electric stimulus device to deter such behavior should it be nudged while installed?

Just some thoughts.