Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Letter To Ice Mountain Water

The following letter was written after observing one of the new eco-friendly water bottles Ice Mountain Water has been touting. And by touting I mean selling. To my boss, who had them in the fridge.

Ice Mountain Water
P.O. Box 628
Wilkes Barre, PA 18703

Dear Ice Mountain Water CEO,

Just thought you would like to know how much I recently enjoyed a bottle of your refreshing water beverage. I tried one of your “Natural Spring Waters,” and I have to say, it’s my favorite flavor of yours thus far. I understand that you are a large company and that you probably employ several hundred dozen adults, so I’m not sure who to single out for their good job. All in all, I’d say your entire operation is delivering a top-notch product.

I also noticed on the side of my bottle you are using a new “eco-shape” that reduces the amount of plastic in the bottle by 30%. May I ask you how this is possible? Since water takes the shape of whatever container it is in, wouldn’t a smaller bottle just mean less water? To discover the truth, I tried comparing the water I can hold in my hand to the water my much smaller niece can hold in hers. She is at least 30% smaller than I am. Unfortunately, it was difficult to judge the results without more expensive instruments. I assume a large company such as yours has already invested the research and can provide the answer.

Thanks so much for your hard work in delivering such a refreshing beverage, Mr. Water CEO. Please let me know the bottle answer as soon as you can – it’s a real puzzler for me!

I also love the mountains drawn on your wrapper. Are they real or fictional?

A Heavy Drinker,

The Correspondent

After a few weeks this reply arrived in the mail:

It's written by a "customer response representative," which I hope isn't as boring as it sounds. My guess is it is, in which case, you're welcome, Anthony.


Tom said...

This is truly amazing. I am a dedicated reader now.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you drink from the hose like everybody else?

But of course...then there's the germs and bacteria that have magically started appearing in hoses since we were young.