Wednesday, May 6, 2009

A Letter to the CDC


Director - Richard E. Besser, M.D.
Center For Disease Control and Prevention
1600 Clifton Road
Atlanta, GA 30333

Dear Dr. Besser,

Good day and God Bless. I want to wish you strength and vigilance as you lead our country's fight against impending threats like the H1N1 virus. There are so many, many things to be afraid of in this day and age, and in trying to reduce that number to around 100 or so, I dub you a Hero. Thank you, sir.

Still, we must be wary that in fighting evil in the world, whether it be against foreigners or the viruses they carry, that we keep collateral casualties at a minimum. Recently I read a news wire lamenting the financial hit the pork markets have taken since the term "swine flu" took off in the public consciousness. It was heartbreaking! Who could have foreseen that millions of ill-informed Americans would turn their backs on the other white meat because of such casual nomenclature? It's getting to the point where I'm not sure it's even worth it being a farmer anymore!

Now, I don't want to play the blame game. As usual, I'd much rather be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. Still, it occurred to me that this tragedy has a silver lining. There will always be a new flu on the horizon. First it was regular flu, then bird flu and now swine flu. What if, Dr. Besser, you used this to your advantage? Think about it! The next time a deadly flu strain crops up, you should name it McDonald's flu! Obesity is crushing our country under the weight of tremendous health care costs and decreased productivity. You could help Americans shed millions of pounds just by attaching this little stigma to our largest fast-food chain.

You think they'd sue? They can't sue, you're the government! Are the pig farmers suing you? I didn't think so. No, Doctor, it's the perfect plan. Once wind gets out that McDonald's flu is the worst flu ever (for real this time!) then nobody will get within a hundred feet of the Golden Arches. You could probably do this a couple times before people catch on, too. The Applebee's flu. The couch flu. The high fructose corn syrup flu. Face it, the flu could be the best thing that ever happened to the health of the United States.

Thank you for your time, Dr. Besser. I feel confident with you at the helm. Your hair is perfect.

In Vigor,

The Correspondent