Wednesday, November 19, 2008

A Letter To the PTA

Sandy, can't you see I'm in misery? We made a start, now we're apart - there's nothing left for me. Love has flown, I'm all alone. I sit and wonder why-i-i oh why you left me, oh Sandy...oh, Sandy baaaaby someday when hi-igh school is done, somehow, someway our two worlds will be one. In heaven in forever and ever we will be. Baby, say you're stay. Oh, Sandy.

This has gone on much longer than I first intended.

Sandy Nekoloff
Ohio PTA
40 Northwoods Blvd.
Columbus, OH 43235

Dear Ms. Nekoloff,

How are you, Madam? It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance. I've heard you are doing great things with the Ohio Parent Teachers Association. My mother was a teacher. May I ask, are you from the parent side of things or the teachers' side? I guess my mother was from both, although it often felt like just the teacher side. She was a cruel and relentless woman, who kept a hickory switch in every room and sent us to bed with stories from "The Young Gentleman and Lady's Monitor," a 19th-century book of etiquette. My father was less brash, and would infrequently reward us with gingersnap sweetbreads.

To get to the point of the matter, I have long been a fan of Disney movies, ever since my mother took us to see the last half of Bambi, "after the frivolous introductions" were over, as she put it. Every time a new Disney film comes out I find myself excited to see it in a theatre. Unfortunately, I have not been blessed with any children of my own, and going to a cartoon movie is both embarrassing and awkward for me. Therefore, I would like to rent 1 (one) child for a 3 (three) hour period the weekend of December 5th and 6th, so that I may not draw attention while I enjoy the Walt Disney production of Bolt, out in theaters November 20th.

I understand that it is both illegal and uncouth to rent a human being, so I will in fact not pay you or the PTA anything. We can use the term "borrow", if you like. I will, however, treat the child to his or her movie ticket, along with one candy item that I will purchase before the showing at a CVS Pharmacy. You needn't worry, I will conceal the candy myself and not implicate the child whilst I smuggle the contraband inside the theatre. The risk is all my own, while the reward (a delicious cow's tail or Bit O' Honey) will be shared with my new young friend.

My only requirement of the child is that he or she not talk during the film. Laughing is permitted, provided it is not obtrusive and blends in with the rest of the audience. Afterwards I will want to discuss what we both thought of the film, and the child must be civil while I rehash various plot points and thematic devices I deem either successful or trite. I will close this conversation by asking the child whether or not he or she would buy the film on DVD when it comes out. I expect an honest answer, and will reciprocate with my own candid opinions.

Thank you for reading my modest proposal, Madam, and I trust I will hear back from you within the time frame allotted. I would like to see the movie in early December so that we may avoid the Christmas vacation crowds. And please, no small Guatemalans.


The Correspondent


Tom said...

You're totally gonna get arrested

Anonymous said...

This is my favorite one yet. The cops will be at your door any minute now..

Anonymous said...

Where's the latest letter?

(e)Liz(a)Beth said...

You have used the word "sweetbreads" incorrectly. Sweetbreads are organ meat.