Monday, November 24, 2008

A Letter To Penn Tennis Balls

I don't get how tennis is scored. One set Serena Venus will win by, like, 6-2, and then the next she'll win 7-6. It makes no sense. What are they playing to??

Kevin Kempin
Vice President Sales and Marketing
Penn Racquet Sports
306 S 45th Avenue
Phoenix, AZ 85043

Dear Mr. Kempin,

Hello and right back at ya! Do you get it? I imagined that you first said hello to me, followed by a friendly colloquial greeting. I then "volleyed" my reply back as if volleying a tennis ball back to you, referencing your company's main product. We can do this all night, mister!

First of all, I'm a big Penn fan. But not for the reason you think! I actually don't play tennis. Sure, my girlfriend and I will occasionally knock a few balls around, but we don't know what in the heck we're doing. Usually she hits them so hard they go flying over the fence and I can't even find them again. No, sir, I'm no Robert Kendrick or Alberto Martin, but I do love Penn tennis balls. Why? Because of the tubes!

Seriously, I don't think I've ever lived in a house that didn't have a couple of your tennis ball tubes lying around. You can do anything with these things! Store pennies in them, store nickels in them, store quarters in them. M&Ms, Tic-Tacs, toenail clippings, water...the list is endless. Have you ever thought of just selling the tubes?

"Penn's Tennis Ball Tubes - You've Probably Got Three Lying Around Already!"

What about a Christmas ad campaign, and this really attractive young man is giving his girlfriend a present. She unwraps it and it's a kitten stuffed into a Penn Tennis Ball Tube! I bet those guys at Jared Jewelry would drive straight home and kill themselves. I know I would if I was them.

Another great idea I had was bottling the scent of fresh tennis balls and selling it as a fragrance. Imagine the same Christmas commercial, except this time the girl is spritzing herself with Penn Tennis Balls. The man hugs her and then gets this look on his face and whispers something in her ear. She giggles and then winks at the camera. The next thing you know we see the foot of their bed shaking, and it knocks a tube of Penn tennis balls off, the balls spilling everywhere. Don't tell the FCC, but the balls symbolize ejaculation. Get ready to be a millionaire!

Well, listen. You let me know what you think about my ideas and I promise I'll keep on buying Penn Tennis Ball Tubes. Extra-duty felt - because it's Penn!

Your Serve,

The Correspondent


Tom said...

Kittens in tubes and Jared's guys killing themselves. Priceless. I also think if you get your ring from that place the girl would go, "He went to... Jared's? Really? I'm calling this shit off. Cheap dick."

Anonymous said...

Glad to see the daily letter. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

It does not seem like you are getting any new replies. Is there no common courtesy outside of Pepsico?

Anonymous said...

Nobody else has written me since Pepsi. It fills me with rage.