Friday, November 14, 2008

A Letter To Dr. Frankenstein

Oops, almost forgot my intro sentence. So, uh, here it is.

Dr. Ronald Miller
Omega Executive Healthcare
3650 Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio 43214

Dear Dr. Miller,

Let me first congratulate you on over twenty years of service to our community through your medical training and expertise. A doctor! I used to think doctors were super-human people who were ten times smarter than the rest of the population and worked every hour of every day. Then, later, I met several medical students and realized that it wasn't as difficult as popular culture had led me to believe. Still pretty tough, though. Congrats and thank you!

Moving right along, I've been noticing your commercials on television advertising your practice, and I must say you make some startling claims. In the commercial, a soothing voice states that "3 out of every 4 deaths in Ohio can be prevented," followed by a plea for everyone to get a thorough check-up. Seriously? 75% of our population can achieve immortality? That's amazing! Or is it...

Dr. Miller, I'm going to be frank. I think you should cease whatever unholy experiments you've got going on in your lab at once, for the good of mankind. Trust me, I know how enticing it is to pretend you are God. That was the best Halloween ever. But people need to die. Imagine a world without death. How would our recent college graduates ever get jobs? What would my mother's family do with all those cemetery plots they bought? Who would stop Joe Paterno?!

Plus, if nobody can die then nobody can come back to life as a zombie. That may be a notch in your pro column, but I've taken great lengths to prepare myself for a zombie apocalypse. I live in an easily defensible apartment and have several Columbus locations already staked out for refuge if the need arises. What am I going to do with this sawed-off shotgun I welded to a chainsaw? Cut down trees and then kill all the raccoons that come out? Because that actually sounds pretty awesome!

Listen, Dr. Miller, I'm begging you to rethink your work in this field. Death can be frightening, but it's a natural part of life. I think it would go against your Hippopotamus Oath to break that circle, even if the prize of immortality looms within in your grasp. Let it go, Indiana. Let it go.


The Correspondent