Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Letter to Kleenex

Don't forget to read the new reply posted below.

CEO Thomas J. Falk
Kleenex Subsidiary
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
PO Box 619100
Dallas, TX 75261-9100

Dear Mr. Falk,

Congratulations on turning 50 this past year! It's a very special time in a man's life. Have you gone gray yet? Take it in stride, Tom. We all know the ones who are dipping brown. May I ask a personal question? Does it go gray everywhere? Nope, you know what, that's too personal. It's just going to have to remain a mystery for me for another 20 or so years.

Anywho, I'm here to talk Kleenex. Since it's Springtime I've been using my fair share of tissue paper (why am I always so horny in the Spring??), and I was thinking how little the product has evolved over the years. It's time Kleenex got a reboot, like Star Trek or Schlitz Beer. First of all, stop using paper. It's tearing my nose apart! Small wonder, too, since paper is just wood. I'm rubbing a billion little splinters into my face everytime I watch an episode of Without A Trace. You should make tissues out of cotton or silk. Something soft - plus, you can charge twice as much and call them Kleenex Platinum. "The Diamond Standard!"

Next up is shape. I'll be blunt, my face is round and my tissues should be too. This is an easy fix, just buy new factory equipment to output the product in an oval shape. Plus, everyone knows a circle is the most efficient use of space. You can fit more product into a circle, which means less freight shipping costs for you and your shareholders. I know what you're thinking, don't I pay people to be this smart? Well, not anymore you don't, because I never worked for you.

Lastly, I think you need a Willy Wonka-type promotion to get the word out on these new changes. Slip a few gold-leafed tissues into some boxes and offer a free tour of your facilities in Texas. All the winners will receive a year's supply of new CottonSilk Platinum Kleenex tissue paper - The Diamond Standard®. Also, a tissue factory sounds kind of boring, so you should take everybody to a football game, or dinner at your house. You look like you eat good.

Just Trying to Help,

The Correspondent

New Reply!

If I can load it properly. Big if.

Click here for the Land Shark Lager Original Letter.


They also included a pretty nifty brushed nickel bottle opener with the Land Shark logo on it. Time to live the Margaritaville lifestyle!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

A Letter to Newscaster Andrea Cambern

I cleaned up on manager's specials today. A box of donuts for 79 cents, loaves of rye for 1.29. I passed on the select choice roast beef, though. It had passed its prime. Get it? Do you get it? You better get it.

Andrea Cambern
Anchor - WBNS TV
770 Twin Rivers Drive
Columbus, Ohio 43215

Dear Ms. Cambern,

Greetings from Clintonville! It's interesting to me how quaint all of Columbus' neighborhoods sound. German Village. Clintonville. Worthington. This city sounds like it would have a lot of soda fountain shops in it. Except for Gahanna. Gahanna sounds like a terrorist hotbed, if you ask me. Kabul, Pawnee, Gahanna. I trust none of these words.

Getting back on task, I would like to ask a favor of you. It's really more of an opportunity, because with a little luck this project will land us both in the history books. I'm trying to coin a new word. I want a word that describes the sound you make when you're talking and you suddenly throw up in your mouth a little bit. This new word won't describe the event, but rather, it will embody that particular sound (like "ouch" or "whew").

My first problem is naming this word. I think it most sounds like "yup," but that one is obviously already taken. Then I thought "oop" sounded close, but people would inevitably confuse it with "oops." Same proble with "whoops." It's sort of a hiccup mixed with a gulp with a little "yech!" thrown in. I think I've finally settled on "gup" or "gahup." Gup might be a little too subtle for me. Plus, gahup just looks like a real word. It looks like hiccup, and since they are similar sounds, I think we could attach ourselves fairly easily to the hiccup bandwagon. Why reinvent the wheel, Andrea?

My second problem is that the Webster Dictionary committee will only consider new words that have a certain number of citations. This means we have to get our word out there, being used in print and daily conversation. This is where you come in. All you have to do is use the word "gahup" in a few of your news broadcasts over the next few weeks. It can be completely natural: "Good evening, I'm Andrea-gahup!-Cambern. Excuse me, I just threw up in my mouth a little." Piece of cake! Except then you'll also have to spell it out on the air, so people know it's a word and not just a sound you made.

Please let me know if I can count on your support, Ms. Cambern. I believe I have been very cordial in my request, even though violence often garners more results. It was a tough decision which road to take! No, not really. I think you're the best. You look at you, with that hair, and you think, "She can't pull that off!" but you do it anyway. Terrific.


The Correspondent