Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Letter To Jim Tressel

Jim Tressel coaches football at Ohio State. I part my hair on the left.

Head Coach Jim Tressel
Woody Hayes Athletic Center
Les Wexner Football Complex
535 Irving Schottenstein Drive
Columbus, OH 43210

Dear Mr. Tressel,

I am writing you today to express my heartfelt thanks for your many years of service with the community. Our community appreciates everything the Tressels have done for this community, including and limited to your many charity works, community service projects, the caring and giving of things and also your big heart. They are all very special to us here!

Now, I wanted to ask you a personal question that has been bugging me for several years. I happen to part my hair on the left, that is to say, on my left. The left from my vision, meaning when I'm looking straight ahead I comb my hair from my left to my right. Several years ago I realized, however, that while I enjoyed the handsome look this created in my mirror, it was not actually the look I was conveying to the public. That is to say, the rest of the world sees my hair parted from the right to the left. That's correct, isn't it?

I had forgotten about this until recently when I noticed you part your hair from the left to the right (your left, not my left). I have to ask you, have you ever considered that the look you are trying to create is actually a reverse image of the look you have had your entire life? In my studies, I decided to part my hair from the right to the left in order to see what the world was seeing. It looked absolutely ridiculous. What I thought I looked like was really what you look like to me, which is to say our look is not our own look, and that we can only look like each other and never look like ourselves.

Anyway, I just wanted to bring this to your attention so you may deal with it as quickly as possible. You may think you can just start parting your hair from the right to the left and you will solve the problem, but I tried this already and I can't live with myself when I see it. I look like an idiot, and even though I only look like an idiot to myself, it's a cross I cannot bear.

Good luck in your season, Coach, and I look forward to hearing how you have overcome this hardship in your life and gone on to be such a successful person in life. Maybe you have some life/hair tips I can use?

Fighting the good fight with you,

The Correspondent

This is one of my favorites,but it's also the one I would least expect to garner a reply. Perhaps I should have written it in December, Coach Tressel never seems to be busy with football then.


Anonymous said...

This is funny as hell. I especially like how you subtly jabbed Jim Tressel about never playing football in December....since I also share your hatred of "THE Ohio State", I thought this was great, until I realized that He doesn't play in December because he has been too busy playing in the national championship game in January. Then I was sad, until I realized that they have been horribly embarassed in devastating losses. Count it!