A Letter To Ubisoft

Don't get used to it.

Jason Vandenberghe
Creative Director - Red Steel 2
Ubisoft Paris
Austerlitz 2000
173-179 rue du Chevaleret
75646 Paris Cedex 13

Dear Mr. Vanderbeek,

Bon jour from Ohio! I wanted to wish you good luck and God speed on your latest endeavor, creative directoring for the upcoming video game Red Steel 2. Initial impressions look great, and I've already put this game at the top of my list for must-have purchases of the Fall (along with a big pumpkin and a new haircut).

Since I'm such a big fan, I have of course watched the trailer for your new game several times. I love the art style and action, but I have to admit, there's just one problem. I don't know if you've noticed, but the bad guys in your game say a lot of the same phrases over and over again. Specifically, they shout "Come on!", "Get some!" or "You're going to pay for that" on a near constant basis. I know you're probably really busy writing algorithms and what-not, so you probably haven't noticed.

Unfortunately, it's the little things like this that can turn a great game like Donkey Kong Country for the Super Nintendo into a terrible game, like Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis. It's just annoying to hear the same thing shouted over and over again. To illustrate, I decided to test my special lady friend by only using those three phrases during dinner tonight. First she told me we were eating spaghetti (again!?), so I shouted, "Come on!" Then she told me that if I didn't like it, I could make my own damn dinner. Naturally, I told her she would pay for that. That's when she got angry and asked if I was trying to start a fight on purpose. Well, you know what happened next....

I told her to "get some."

So now, here I am, relegated to the back of the apartment with no air conditioning while she watches an encore of Jon & Kate's Very Special Divorce Special while eating double chocolate Klondike bars and petting the cats. I like the cats. So please, if it's in your budget, perhaps you could record at least three more phrases for the hundreds of antagonists in your story to shout repeatedly. Maybe something like, "I smell trouble!" or "Is that the best you got?!" If you need anymore help with your game, I'm happy to share my opinion and can be reached at the above address.

Come on,

The Correspondent

A Letter to the CDC

Hi.

Director - Richard E. Besser, M.D.
Center For Disease Control and Prevention
1600 Clifton Road
Atlanta, GA 30333

Dear Dr. Besser,

Good day and God Bless. I want to wish you strength and vigilance as you lead our country's fight against impending threats like the H1N1 virus. There are so many, many things to be afraid of in this day and age, and in trying to reduce that number to around 100 or so, I dub you a Hero. Thank you, sir.

Still, we must be wary that in fighting evil in the world, whether it be against foreigners or the viruses they carry, that we keep collateral casualties at a minimum. Recently I read a news wire lamenting the financial hit the pork markets have taken since the term "swine flu" took off in the public consciousness. It was heartbreaking! Who could have foreseen that millions of ill-informed Americans would turn their backs on the other white meat because of such casual nomenclature? It's getting to the point where I'm not sure it's even worth it being a farmer anymore!

Now, I don't want to play the blame game. As usual, I'd much rather be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos. Still, it occurred to me that this tragedy has a silver lining. There will always be a new flu on the horizon. First it was regular flu, then bird flu and now swine flu. What if, Dr. Besser, you used this to your advantage? Think about it! The next time a deadly flu strain crops up, you should name it McDonald's flu! Obesity is crushing our country under the weight of tremendous health care costs and decreased productivity. You could help Americans shed millions of pounds just by attaching this little stigma to our largest fast-food chain.

You think they'd sue? They can't sue, you're the government! Are the pig farmers suing you? I didn't think so. No, Doctor, it's the perfect plan. Once wind gets out that McDonald's flu is the worst flu ever (for real this time!) then nobody will get within a hundred feet of the Golden Arches. You could probably do this a couple times before people catch on, too. The Applebee's flu. The couch flu. The high fructose corn syrup flu. Face it, the flu could be the best thing that ever happened to the health of the United States.

Thank you for your time, Dr. Besser. I feel confident with you at the helm. Your hair is perfect.

In Vigor,

The Correspondent