Thursday, September 23, 2010

A Letter To George T. Huggins

George T. Huggins
12129 Glen Canyon Rd NE
Albuquerque, NM 87111
Dear Mr. Huggins,
Hello to you, sir! May I just say what an honor it is to have finally found you and made your acquaintance, although, quite obviously, the war will not be won until I have your hand firmly gripped in my own, perhaps with my other arm raised up to lightly hold onto your forearm, but naturally not reaching past the elbow and definitely nowhere near your bicep.

I trust that that day will come soon, however, should you communicate back to us with what we dearly hope will be your acceptance to keynote speak at this year's 3rd Annual 2010 Pancake Symposium, to be held just outside of Denver at Centaurus High School in Erie, Colorado. We feel that your years of breakfasting and general pancakery make you a prime candidate to both inspire the industry leaders who will be in attendance,  while at the same time avoiding the technical accoutrement that so often accompanies a typical flat cake conference. Naturally, your transportation, room and meals will be covered by us. However, due to budget concerns and the recent economy, I must ironically ask that you be on your own for breakfast.

The conference itself is a two-day event this December 11th and 12th. Saturday we will have a meet-and-greet along with a workshop called "What's New In Pancake Embeddables" as well as your keynote speech that evening (to be followed with a cash bar semi-formal). Sunday will pit two of our more cantankerous members, Dr. Bob Van Saun and the Honorable Judge John McBryde, in a debate entitled, "Instant Pancakes: The Ten Second War." Afterwards I will give a lecture entitled, "Syrup-up and Away: The Future of Toppings." We will close out the weekend the same way we always do, with a Mickey Mouse Pancake competition. As keynote speaker, you are obviously entitled to be a guest judge.

Please let me know whether or not you accept, Mr. Huggins, as arrangements must be made soon and I am running out of people in the phonebook. Also, please let me know if you eat waffles, as this could present a small to very large problem.

The Correspondent

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

A Letter to My Pretend Wife

I changed the name and address of this letter. Not sure why, it just felt like the prudent thing to do.

Dearest Jane,

How are you? It's been so long. I remember playing tag with you and your sister like it was yesterday. This was back in South Bend, when we lived across the street from one another. I wish I was seven again, and could go knocking on your door to see who was home. Neighbors along the boulevard of Childhood, I'm sure you remember the day when we became more than just neighbors, more than just friends. Of course, I'm talking about the day we pretend got married.

They say that love sometimes isn't enough. Sometimes money gets in the way. Sometimes people just grow into different versions of themselves, with different dreams and diverging paths. Still yet, sometimes people's Dads get better jobs and they move out of the neighborhood. Sadly, such was the fate of our young love. You left in such a hurry, though, that I feel we never really got to say goodbye. Also, we never got pretend divorced.

Listen, I'm not sure how to tell you this, but I've met somebody. She's great, she's a lot like you. She's white, and likes ice cream. We've decided to get married. Look, I never meant to hurt you. Sure, I could have found you earlier and made a better situation out of this, but let's be honest. That spark died a long time ago. We're getting married this summer, and I just need to know that you won't show up and make a scene. I would invite you, but my fiancee is adamant that you not be there. She's a fiery girl, and jealousy can sometimes leap from her Irish blood. You understand, don't you?

Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I think you're a fantastic girl. Well, you were a fantastic girl. You may be a horrible woman by now, I wouldn't really know.

Goodbye Forever,

The Correspondent

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