Thursday, April 23, 2009

A Letter to Kleenex

Don't forget to read the new reply posted below.

CEO Thomas J. Falk
Kleenex Subsidiary
Kimberly-Clark Corporation
PO Box 619100
Dallas, TX 75261-9100

Dear Mr. Falk,

Congratulations on turning 50 this past year! It's a very special time in a man's life. Have you gone gray yet? Take it in stride, Tom. We all know the ones who are dipping brown. May I ask a personal question? Does it go gray everywhere? Nope, you know what, that's too personal. It's just going to have to remain a mystery for me for another 20 or so years.

Anywho, I'm here to talk Kleenex. Since it's Springtime I've been using my fair share of tissue paper (why am I always so horny in the Spring??), and I was thinking how little the product has evolved over the years. It's time Kleenex got a reboot, like Star Trek or Schlitz Beer. First of all, stop using paper. It's tearing my nose apart! Small wonder, too, since paper is just wood. I'm rubbing a billion little splinters into my face everytime I watch an episode of Without A Trace. You should make tissues out of cotton or silk. Something soft - plus, you can charge twice as much and call them Kleenex Platinum. "The Diamond Standard!"

Next up is shape. I'll be blunt, my face is round and my tissues should be too. This is an easy fix, just buy new factory equipment to output the product in an oval shape. Plus, everyone knows a circle is the most efficient use of space. You can fit more product into a circle, which means less freight shipping costs for you and your shareholders. I know what you're thinking, don't I pay people to be this smart? Well, not anymore you don't, because I never worked for you.

Lastly, I think you need a Willy Wonka-type promotion to get the word out on these new changes. Slip a few gold-leafed tissues into some boxes and offer a free tour of your facilities in Texas. All the winners will receive a year's supply of new CottonSilk Platinum Kleenex tissue paper - The Diamond Standard®. Also, a tissue factory sounds kind of boring, so you should take everybody to a football game, or dinner at your house. You look like you eat good.

Just Trying to Help,

The Correspondent