Tuesday, November 4, 2008

A Letter To the Head of Eggs

This letter came accompanied with a homemade pie chart, but my lady friend accidentally deleted my only copy of it. So I "deleted" her EpiPen into the trash can. Good luck eating walnuts, lady friend.

American Egg Board Office:
1460 Renaissance Drive
Park Ridge, IL 60068
 
Dear Mr. President,
 
I am writing today because of a troubling flaw I have found with your product, the egg. You see, I am currently training for the Southwest-Central Ohio Iditarod, a bi-decade dog race meant to match the wits and brute physical strength of its contestants against the cruel, senseless winter climate of Greene County, Ohio.
 
In my training I need to ingest as much protein as possible so I may rebuild the millions of musclelic bonds I break every minute of every day. My doctor says he has never seen anyone train as hard in such a short period of time, and that protein is the only thing that can save me from Grave Strain.
 
Now, I would like to let you and your subordinates know that I enjoy the majority of your product and have found it to perform admirably under most conditions. My small complaint, however, is when I place your product in boiling water for about twelve minutes. This particular method was given to me by a homosexual friend of mine who uses your product to supplement his own weight-gaining program. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how trustworthy a gay man is when it comes to looking good naked.
 
My problem is that when I boil your product I cannot remove its hard protective shell without damaging the vital protein inside. I try to peel it and it rips off large chunks of protein with it. The shell seems bonded to the protein! I have tried it with the product cold and with it warmed. I have tried cracking it at the narrow top and fat bottom and starting from both ends. I have tried rolling it on a hard surface and using a pair of tweezers to take small pieces off at a time. This last method was a little more successful but was so laborious I lost nearly half of a morning's training time. I have included a pie graph of that morning to illustrate the time wasted.
 
Please let me know if there is any secret to unlocking the incredible protein power inside your boiled product. I appreciate your help in this matter and want you to know how important your eggs are to my lifestyle.
 
Always Mushing,


The Correspondent

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I find your ideas intriguing and wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

Keep up the good work.

These are pure comedic gold.

Tom said...

Homosexuals do know how to look good naked!

Anne said...

Dear Mr. Know-It-All,
I think it's terrible that you make jokes about your mother.

Oh no, the guy in the next cubicle is puking.

Send money fast. I can't hide out in the library anymore.

Love,
Mom