A Letter To the Head of Eggs

This letter came accompanied with a homemade pie chart, but my lady friend accidentally deleted my only copy of it. So I "deleted" her EpiPen into the trash can. Good luck eating walnuts, lady friend.

American Egg Board Office:

1460 Renaissance Drive

Park Ridge, IL 60068

 

Dear Mr. President,

 

I am writing today because of a troubling flaw I have found with your product, the egg. You see, I am currently training for the Southwest-Central Ohio Iditarod, a bi-decade dog race meant to match the wits and brute physical strength of its contestants against the cruel, senseless winter climate of Greene County, Ohio.

 

In my training I need to ingest as much protein as possible so I may rebuild the millions of musclelic bonds I break every minute of every day. My doctor says he has never seen anyone train as hard in such a short period of time, and that protein is the only thing that can save me from Grave Strain.

 

Now, I would like to let you and your subordinates know that I enjoy the majority of your product and have found it to perform admirably under most conditions. My small complaint, however, is when I place your product in boiling water for about twelve minutes. This particular method was given to me by a homosexual friend of mine who uses your product to supplement his own weight-gaining program. I'm sure I don't have to tell you how trustworthy a gay man is when it comes to looking good naked.

 

My problem is that when I boil your product I cannot remove its hard protective shell without damaging the vital protein inside. I try to peel it and it rips off large chunks of protein with it. The shell seems bonded to the protein! I have tried it with the product cold and with it warmed. I have tried cracking it at the narrow top and fat bottom and starting from both ends. I have tried rolling it on a hard surface and using a pair of tweezers to take small pieces off at a time. This last method was a little more successful but was so laborious I lost nearly half of a morning's training time. I have included a pie graph of that morning to illustrate the time wasted.

 

Please let me know if there is any secret to unlocking the incredible protein power inside your boiled product. I appreciate your help in this matter and want you to know how important your eggs are to my lifestyle.

 

Always Mushing,

The Correspondent