Tuesday, December 2, 2008

A Letter to Just For Men

I'm not lying when I say this question has puzzled me for several years.

Combe Incorporated
1101 Westchester Avenue
White Plains, NY 10604
Attn: President Christopher B. Combe

Dear Mr. Combe,

Hello, Mr. Combe. I find it more than a little suspicious that a man who owns a personal care conglomerate is named "Combe," but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I'm writing you regarding your subsidiary "Just For Men," partly because I could not enter their online website. The introduction page has a list of countries to choose from, and America is not on the list! That's strike two, Mr. "Combe." You'd better hope your next swing is at least a foul tip.

Ok, I'm not really a baseball fan, so I looked up a foul tip to make sure my threat made sense, and it turns out that a foul tip is considered a strike. So, as the third strike, a foul tip would actually mean you're out. I'm tough but fair. Now wait, hold on a minute. I just read it again and it said most fans and sportscasters use the term "foul tip" to refer to any ball grazed by the bat, whereas the rulebook refers to a chipped pitch that lands in the catcher's mitt. Let's just use the fan's definition so you can stay alive long enough to reply to my letter.

Alright, now that we have our introduction and pleasantries out of the way, I have a question about your Just For Men products. Say you're an older guy and you don't want your special lady friend to know you have gray hair. Sure, you use Just For Men. But, um, what about down there? See, I'm only 25, so I don't know the details exactly, but when you get gray hair don't you get it everywhere? You've got Just For Men for the beard and the mustache. Do you see where I'm going with this?

Look, I'm not trying to be crude, but let's be serious. If the whole point is to get the special lady friend interested, doesn't it stand to reason that she's going to eventually...you know...look down there? Then not only is the guy's age busted, but he's busted on the Just For Men, too. That's two strikes, Mr. Combe, and I know you know what it's like to have two strikes.

So my idea was another product - Just For Men: Down There. It'll have to be a gentle formula, though. I don't usually condone testing this kind of stuff on animals, but in this situation I think you're going to want to test this stuff on animals. I'm not talking about mice, either, you need to bite the bullet and buy a horse. Maybe you can modify your mustache formula. Put some aloe in there or something. Essential oils or who knows what, just test that stuff first, ok?

So you write me back about this little loophole in your product line; I'm curious to hear how you'd address the situation. I hope you've got a good one up your sleeve, Chris. That strike count is getting up there.

On The Mound,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

I am thinking it may be time for you to write to Charlie Weis. Maybe ask him what he does for a living, or if he has ever thought about taking a tissue out of one of the pockets in his man gunt pants in order to wipe his nose and mouth every once in a while.

Anonymous said...

There is a website called Betty Beauty that sells a product specifically formulated to make sure the carpet matches the drapes.

crystal pepsi sucks