Thursday, December 4, 2008

A Letter to Faygo

I spent a long time deciding who could sponsor me in this mission. Then it hit me. Faygo Beverages.

Alan A. Chittaro
Executive Vice President
Faygo Beverages
3579 Gratiot Ave
Detroit, MI 48207

Dear Mr. Chittaro,

Hello, Mr. Chittaro, my name is The Correspondent. I'm a long-time Faygo fanatic who can never get enough of your wonderful creme soda. Here's a delicious treat you might be interested in: blend a few chunks of watermelon, about half a cup of Faygo creme soda and two shots of Polish vodka. Now freeze it in some ice cube trays and use the ice in a glass of skim milk. Trust me, it just works. Maybe you can put it on the back of your two-liter bottles, you know, like a recipe section.

Anyway, I'm actually contacting you because I have a dream I'd like to share with you. Last year I completed the Southwest-Central Ohio Iditarod, which was previously a challenge that had defeated me for five straight years. Having finally triumphed in this lifelong endeavor, I've set my sights on a new goal: to run, not walk, the Appalachian Trail.

The Appalachian Trail is a treasure of American wilderness and peaks out at over 2100 miles. Am I up to the challenge physically? I'll let my 3-day cross-county sled ride over the Little Miami River Scenic Bike Trail answer that question for me. It isn't a matter of if I'll finish the trail, but how badly I'll break the current time record.

Unfortunately, my plans have hit a roadblock. Run-hiking the trail will still take me several months, during which time I won't be able to work and make my regular car/student loan/dogsled payments. I'll also need equipment, which unfortunately costs money. All in all I'd put the cost for this adventure at $3,000 (Three-thousand US dollars).

So, I'd like Faygo to sponsor me. Faygo needs a show like this to draw new consumers into its line of sweet, cane sugar-based soft drink products. And think about this: fitness drinks are now the largest growing section of the beverage market. What better way to enter the ring with Gatorade and Water than with the new Appalachian Trail Time Record, fueled by Faygo's new FayGO Fitness Drink (we can hash out names later)! Also, and this may seem like bragging, but if you want to use me for commercials I'm very attractive.

Please consider my proposal and think of the achievement the two of us could hold, Mr. Chittaro. To conquer the Trail is to conquer God himself, to wrench His indifferent hand down from the heavens until he has relinquised not only the amoral misery of our world, but also the very meaning of Life itself.

In Honor,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

MMMM Faygo

Anonymous said...

I'll give you about 20 yards.

Anonymous said...

Did you know ICP (insane clown posse) referenced Faygo in their lyrics? Do you condone what they promote??? Animals!