Tuesday, December 16, 2008

A Letter to a Police Sketch Artist

If you're reading this, Dad, I only have one thing to say. Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock...

Stephen Mancusi
1006 Brown St
Peekskill, NY 10566

Dear Mr. Mancusi,

Hello, good sir. Might I first say that I've been to your website, and you are a striking man. Bald, sure, but striking nonetheless. I mean, at least you went bald the good way, right? I'd kill myself if I was one of those guys that goes bald up on the crown first. Then you've got to buy Rogaine, and who knows if it's even going to work. Just Bic the thing already! You, though, you've got that Captain Picard look going, with the short hair on the sides. Also, interestingly enough, you have a mustache. This is actually the reason for my letter today.

You see, my father is also a mustachioed man. Has been his entire adult life. It's not a bad mustache, either. It's full-bodied but not insistent upon itself, much like a middle-aged prostitute. The thing is, I have never seen my father without his mustache. I've seen a photo of him in high school, but that's it. Put simply, my curiosity must be met! Now, I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just wait until he's dead, then demand the mortician shave it off for the funeral? That's a great idea, sure, but he's still a healthy man, and I don't want to wait that long. This is where you come in.

I'd like you to draw a composite image of my father as he is today, sans the mustache. Then, I can present it to him for Father's Day as a present from our entire family (and you). If you agree I can send you a recent photo of him, or if you prefer I can answer a series of questions about his physical appearance. He's between 5'7" and 5'9", about 160 lbs. He has thick, wavy, salt and pepper hair, blue eyes and a big nose. Not a droopy nose, either, it's a real honker. He looks a lot like me, actually, and I look like a young Robbie Benson, so maybe you can find a picture of the current Robbie Benson and work off of that for the time being.

As for compensation, I don't have a lot of money to offer you, but I'm sure we can work something out. I used to cut grass as a kid, so maybe I could come do that a few times. Do you have your own lawnmower? It better not be a Toro, though, as I vastly prefer LawnBoy. I don't care if it's the same company, Steve, the models are completely different!

Ok Then,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

With lines like -

"It's full-bodied but not insistent upon itself, much like a middle-aged prostitute."

I need to stop reading this blog at work. Everyone wonders why I bust out laughing. Awesome work.