Friday, October 23, 2009

A Letter to Clintonville

I need me some weekend.

Clintonville Area Commission
President James Blazer II
333 E North Broadway
Columbus, OH 43202

Dear Mr. Blazer,

I bet you'd know exactly what I was talking about if I told you my home is filled with clutter. Who doesn't have a closet filled with old junk they never throw away? Well, I'm just like you and all those other completely normal people. And just like those people, I'd also like to get rid of my clutter. Now while it's true that my clutter consists of nearly three dozen 36-gallon Hefty trash bags of chicken feathers, I don't think that's really important right now. But enough chit chat, I have an unrelated question for you: how would you like to have a Poultry Festival in Clintonville?

Now, maybe you're thinking Clintonville doesn't need a Poultry Festival. That might be true, but how many times a month do you eat chicken? If you're anything like me, then it's around thirty, thirty-one times. Even if you're not like me, I bet it's at least eight. I think this town thrives on poultry, and Ohio has a long history of raising livestock. I think it's time we gave Clintonville a special day to put it on the map. Nobody else is doing Poultry Festivals, we could be trailblazers!

Just imagine it with me. We have a chicken parade, complete with someone dressed in a King Chicken costume (made with real chicken feathers). Later in the day, everyone enters a contest for Best Chicken Recipe, with the winner getting the coveted Fluffy Ball Trophy (a giant ball made from real chicken feathers). We can have wrestling matches in a pit of feathers (maybe several pits). Finally, we can just drive down the street in a convertible, throwing fistfuls of chicken feathers at smiling passerbys. Put that on the Dispatch's front page!

I just thought with the economy and all that maybe you and I could help each other out while lifting the community's spirits. Let me know if you're game and we can get abreast of the situation. Unless, of course, you're too chicken to give it a shot. No, you know what, that was over the line. I was making a pun, but you did not deserve that cheap shot back there. It won't happen again.

With My Sincerest Apologies,

The Correspondent

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Anonymous said...

'Bout damn time. Have you really not gotten any replies in the last 6 months?