Just driving around the neighborhood, la-la-la, that grass sure looks green for March, la-la-la, wait a minute, does that guy have an Astro Turf yard, la-la-la, looks like I have a letter idea for Monday, la-la-la.
Current Resident
349 Oakland Park
Columbus Ohio, 43214
Dear Mr. Current Resident,
As the weather warms in central Ohio, myself and other outdoor sports enthusiasts will be dusting off our athletic shoes and our acrylic socks and heading outside to get our hands dirty in the arena of athletics. To wit, I have decided to establish a new neighborhood tradition by founding the first annual Central Ohio Yard Putting Tournament.
It's simple, really. We take a pool of 50 local athletes and pair them together for four days of various putting challenges. The aggregate winner will be invited to the Midwestern Euchre Challenge to be held this April in Xenia, a 3-year subscription to my newsletter and $150 . Second place will receive a three-week supply of my allergy stopper, the Hepa Nose Filter, and $25. Third place will receive my World's Best Potato Soup recipe and a dog, donated by the central Ohio Humane Society (donation not yet final).
Of course, this is all predicated on being able to use your facilities at 349 Oakland Park. With all the uncertainties of Ohio spring weather, we must have dependable facilities, and your Astro-Turf front yard is the perfect place to design our putting challenges. These will include, but are not limited to, a 10-foot challenge, a 15-foot challenge and even a 20-foot challenge. We will have to move the holes around over the course of the tournament, but I promise you your fake yard will be returned to its dyed plastic glory at the end of competition. For your graciousness in hosting our event, I want to offer you the "Opening Putt," as well as a size XXL t-shirt from the Pepsi Company. I will even throw in a free coupon for Welch's Grape Juice and a brochure explaining the origins of the Pillsbury Doughboy. This eclectic gift package can be found nowhere else, and certainly not at CVS.
Please let me know your what your reservation calendar looks like for the next 6-8 weeks so I may begin my other preparations (mostly just buying an auger hole digger and a little tin bucket).
Fighting the Good Fight,
The Correspondent
Friday, March 6, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
A Letter to the Man Who Took My Dog
This isn't really a funny letter. Sorry.
Gregory Bognar
56779 Joseph Lane
South Bend, IN 46619
Dear Mr. Bognar,
This is going to sound a little strange. Well, it will think a little strange, unless you're reading it out loud. You see, I'm not sure if you are who I think you are. We may have met once, and if so that means I was only at your house one time about 5-6 years ago. I just guessed on the house and address based on my memory, which is usually perfect. One time I had to explain the Kreb's Cycle to my girlfriend for her biology class in college, based only on a lecture I heard freshmen year of high school. But I digress, Greg. My question is, do you have my dog, Katie?
5-6 years ago my mother gave my dog away to some guy because my siblings and I had gone to college and she didn't want to walk her anymore. She was a chow/German Shephard mix named Katie. She had rusty brown hair, a long bushy tail and a light underside. She loved to dance and could shake hands and if you left the butter on the kitchen table she would climb on the chair to eat it when you went to school in the morning.
It occurred to me recently that my dog has probably died already, but I still thought that if I tracked you down you might be able to tell me how she is or was. She was a real dog. First of all, the long hair. All real dogs have long hair. She also had jaws that could strip metal off a Buick. One time we were rough-housing out back and she found a rabbit. Tore through it like it was crepe paper. She weighed over 30 lbs - a prerequisite for any real dog. If it's under 30 lbs you're just feeding a large rat. Of course, I'm sure after a year with you she probably weighed 100 lbs. I saw you giving your other animals hot dogs for treats! I didn't say anything at the time, but pethood obesity is no laughing matter, Greg. It destroys hundreds of families a year.
I'm just yanking your chain, mostly. I wouldn't have let you take her if I didn't think you loved animals. Even if your pool did take up 80% of the backyard. Listen, if Katie had a good life, please just write me a quick note and let me know she did OK. I hope she didn't miss me very much. God, I miss that dog. I'd probably kill upwards of 200 people to get that dog back. That's not a threat, I'm just thinking wistfully.
Take Care,
The Correspondent
Gregory Bognar
56779 Joseph Lane
South Bend, IN 46619
Dear Mr. Bognar,
This is going to sound a little strange. Well, it will think a little strange, unless you're reading it out loud. You see, I'm not sure if you are who I think you are. We may have met once, and if so that means I was only at your house one time about 5-6 years ago. I just guessed on the house and address based on my memory, which is usually perfect. One time I had to explain the Kreb's Cycle to my girlfriend for her biology class in college, based only on a lecture I heard freshmen year of high school. But I digress, Greg. My question is, do you have my dog, Katie?
5-6 years ago my mother gave my dog away to some guy because my siblings and I had gone to college and she didn't want to walk her anymore. She was a chow/German Shephard mix named Katie. She had rusty brown hair, a long bushy tail and a light underside. She loved to dance and could shake hands and if you left the butter on the kitchen table she would climb on the chair to eat it when you went to school in the morning.
It occurred to me recently that my dog has probably died already, but I still thought that if I tracked you down you might be able to tell me how she is or was. She was a real dog. First of all, the long hair. All real dogs have long hair. She also had jaws that could strip metal off a Buick. One time we were rough-housing out back and she found a rabbit. Tore through it like it was crepe paper. She weighed over 30 lbs - a prerequisite for any real dog. If it's under 30 lbs you're just feeding a large rat. Of course, I'm sure after a year with you she probably weighed 100 lbs. I saw you giving your other animals hot dogs for treats! I didn't say anything at the time, but pethood obesity is no laughing matter, Greg. It destroys hundreds of families a year.
I'm just yanking your chain, mostly. I wouldn't have let you take her if I didn't think you loved animals. Even if your pool did take up 80% of the backyard. Listen, if Katie had a good life, please just write me a quick note and let me know she did OK. I hope she didn't miss me very much. God, I miss that dog. I'd probably kill upwards of 200 people to get that dog back. That's not a threat, I'm just thinking wistfully.
Take Care,
The Correspondent
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
