A Letter to the Guy With the Astro-Turf Lawn

Just driving around the neighborhood, la-la-la, that grass sure looks green for March, la-la-la, wait a minute, does that guy have an Astro Turf yard, la-la-la, looks like I have a letter idea for Monday, la-la-la.

Current Resident
349 Oakland Park
Columbus Ohio, 43214

Dear Mr. Current Resident,

As the weather warms in central Ohio, myself and other outdoor sports enthusiasts will be dusting off our athletic shoes and our acrylic socks and heading outside to get our hands dirty in the arena of athletics. To wit, I have decided to establish a new neighborhood tradition by founding the first annual Central Ohio Yard Putting Tournament.

It's simple, really. We take a pool of 50 local athletes and pair them together for four days of various putting challenges. The aggregate winner will be invited to the Midwestern Euchre Challenge to be held this April in Xenia, a 3-year subscription to my newsletter and $150 . Second place will receive a three-week supply of my allergy stopper, the Hepa Nose Filter, and $25. Third place will receive my World's Best Potato Soup recipe and a dog, donated by the central Ohio Humane Society (donation not yet final).

Of course, this is all predicated on being able to use your facilities at 349 Oakland Park. With all the uncertainties of Ohio spring weather, we must have dependable facilities, and your Astro-Turf front yard is the perfect place to design our putting challenges. These will include, but are not limited to, a 10-foot challenge, a 15-foot challenge and even a 20-foot challenge. We will have to move the holes around over the course of the tournament, but I promise you your fake yard will be returned to its dyed plastic glory at the end of competition. For your graciousness in hosting our event, I want to offer you the "Opening Putt," as well as a size XXL t-shirt from the Pepsi Company. I will even throw in a free coupon for Welch's Grape Juice and a brochure explaining the origins of the Pillsbury Doughboy. This eclectic gift package can be found nowhere else, and certainly not at CVS.

Please let me know your what your reservation calendar looks like for the next 6-8 weeks so I may begin my other preparations (mostly just buying an auger hole digger and a little tin bucket).

Fighting the Good Fight,

The Correspondent