Monday, March 23, 2009

A Letter to Fred's Transmission

I was just a skinny lad, never knew no good from bad.

Fred's Transmission and Clutch
4410 Lincolnway East
Mishawaka, IN 46544

Dear Fred,

I have a bit of a quandary I was hoping you could help me out with. You see, my brother suffers from a rare disease called porphyric dyslexia syndrome, or PDS. His brain will sometimes pull up a memory or image and switch it with whatever he's supposed to be focusing on at that time. A few years ago he was finishing up a federal grant application for work, and as he got ready to mail it out he heard "Take Me Out Tonight" by Eddie Money on the radio. Well, his head just inserts Eddie Money into the task and he mailes the application to him instead. The next thing you know his boss wants to know the status of the grant and all he has is a letter from Eddie saying he can't give $165k to the State of Indiana for watershed research. Guess who got passed over for promotion?

Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when he was supposed to mail me a box set DVD of the greatest concert moments of Freddie Mercury. I need that box set, Fred. Of course it never got here, and the best my idiot brother can say is he remembers singing the Fred's Transmission jingle in his head that week. You know the one - "If your tranny's dead, just call Fred!" We grew up in South Bend. I figure he saw the Freddie Mercury box set, starting thinking of Fred's Transmission, got that stupid slogan in his brain and mailed it to you.

Let's be clear, I'm not accusing you of anything malicious. Hell, if Freddie Mercury showed up in my mailbox one day I wouldn't be asking questions, either. That's called good karma. But I really want those DVDs; there's a rare duet of "Under Pressure" with David Bowie in Shea Stadium, where they kiss at the end. Don't ask me why I need to see it! It's a watershed moment in American Rock 'n Roll!

Listen, I don't care if you took those DVDs for a spin already. Me casa is Sue's casa. Just please return them to the address above so I can finally immerse my living room in the legendary performances of one of rock's greatest voices. Hell, I'll even burn you a copy. I know it's piracy, but you've been put out enough. Consider this my thanks to you.


The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Brilliant--you are back in rare form!

Anonymous said...

Is a watershed a building you store water in?

Hessy said...

Well done, sir....well done

Anonymous said...

I have a watershed out behind my house ... I keep my shovel and rake in there next to the water.