Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A Letter to the Mexican Restaurant

If that Pioneer Woman blog can be nominated for an award, so can I.

General Manager
El Vaquero Mexican Restaurant
3230 Olentangy River Road
Columbus, OH 43202

Hola Sir or Madam,

Gracias for reading my letter, I'm sure you are a very busy muchacho. I love American Mexican food, it's the best comfort meal you can find. I've been to a lot of places in my day, too, but none of them as near to my house as you are come even close to nailing the traditional Mexican dishes I've fallen in love with. Hoorah for you!

Still, nobody is perfect. I thought I could relay a few tips onto you that might help you keep your craft razor sharp. First, your tacos are delicious. I always order three chicken tacos. Sometimes, though, the taco shell becomes soggy by the time I get to the third taco. The "au jus" of the chicken must be eaten quickly, lest it turn that crisp shell into a flaccid corn wrapper. May I suggest always draining the chicken completely before building your taco? As my father used to tell me while teaching me to use a urinal, "an extra shake is all it takes."

Second, I think it's great that you always card everyone before the train takes off to Margaritaville. But you know, nothing cherries the cheek of a lady more than a little flattery. Maybe your wait staff could follow each carding request with a sly quip, such as "But Senorita, your eyes have the fire of a woman no older than twenty." Also, I wouldn't be above your waitresses perking up my peacock tail every now and again. Tell me how you feel the first time you find a gray hair in your happy trail!

Well, I think that's it. Again, you do a terrific job. Just one last question. What kind of cheese do you use? I have searched high and low for it but failed at every turn. You know what I'm talking about, that soft, white, almost sweet cheese. Are you making that stuff in the back or something? Who's giving you all that milk?

Adios la Vista,

The Correspondent


Unknown said...

"flaccid corn wrapper"

That is just damn funny.

Anonymous said...

That's Chihuahua cheese, and it's fantastic! The place, not the dog, incidentally.

Anonymous said...

Possibly your best work yet. Well played...

Hessy said...

I really hope they respond...this could be classic