If that Pioneer Woman blog can be nominated for an award, so can I.
General Manager
El Vaquero Mexican Restaurant
3230 Olentangy River Road
Columbus, OH 43202
Hola Sir or Madam,
Gracias for reading my letter, I'm sure you are a very busy muchacho. I love American Mexican food, it's the best comfort meal you can find. I've been to a lot of places in my day, too, but none of them as near to my house as you are come even close to nailing the traditional Mexican dishes I've fallen in love with. Hoorah for you!
Still, nobody is perfect. I thought I could relay a few tips onto you that might help you keep your craft razor sharp. First, your tacos are delicious. I always order three chicken tacos. Sometimes, though, the taco shell becomes soggy by the time I get to the third taco. The "au jus" of the chicken must be eaten quickly, lest it turn that crisp shell into a flaccid corn wrapper. May I suggest always draining the chicken completely before building your taco? As my father used to tell me while teaching me to use a urinal, "an extra shake is all it takes."
Second, I think it's great that you always card everyone before the train takes off to Margaritaville. But you know, nothing cherries the cheek of a lady more than a little flattery. Maybe your wait staff could follow each carding request with a sly quip, such as "But Senorita, your eyes have the fire of a woman no older than twenty." Also, I wouldn't be above your waitresses perking up my peacock tail every now and again. Tell me how you feel the first time you find a gray hair in your happy trail!
Well, I think that's it. Again, you do a terrific job. Just one last question. What kind of cheese do you use? I have searched high and low for it but failed at every turn. You know what I'm talking about, that soft, white, almost sweet cheese. Are you making that stuff in the back or something? Who's giving you all that milk?
Adios la Vista,
The Correspondent
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
A Letter to Parks and Recreation
Hope schmope, you can't change Washington.
Jerry Saunders - President
Columbus Parks and Recreation
1111 E. Broad Street
Columbus, OH 43205
Dear Mr. Saunders,
Are you fat? I'm sorry to pry, but if you are fat it well help my proceeding argument. Plus, it's a real eye-catching way to open a letter. In our fast-paced world of today, it's so important to be able to grab attention. Sex! Wild asps! Stratego! See, now I've got you right where I want you.
To get to the crux of the matter, I have witnessed a growing trend in this country's park systems that I cannot let continue with impunity. Of course, I'm talking about plastic-seated swing sets. It seems that every park I go in, including most recently the Park of Roses in Columbus, the swing sets in each playground have bendy, plastic seats on them. Have you ever tried to swing in one of these things, Jerry? It's like getting a "B" seat on a plane full of Buckeyes coming back from another Fiesta Bowl loss. You try to move, even breathe, but you're being scrunched up by this incredible pressure on both sides, like a Red Sea of fat ready to crash down upon you at any moment. And that's what it's like in a bendy plastic swing seat.
Think about this: I only weigh 130 lbs, and the plastic still bends in the middle until my hips have chain-patterned bruises on them. Now, what if I was fat? The pressure would kill me! Whatever happened to using wooden planks for swing seats? Then you can sit comfortably without bowing the swing in, and it's much easier to twist the chains into a thrilling tailspin. Times are tough, Mr. Saunders, we don't all have the money to go to Cedar Point every weekend. With a wooden plank and a little imagination, I could make my own Corkscrew ride (no lines, too!). Well, right now I'm 50% short of that dream.
Oh, and I know what you're going to say. We don't have money for wooden swing seats! Our budget is being slashed to ribbons! To which I say, what's your salary looking like? Because I'd be willing to fire you to supply each city park with wooden-seated swings. I'm sorry, but the taxpayers have spoken. You've drenched this town in rampant corruption and blatant nepotism long enough.
Ok, look. If I can't beat you, I guess I could join you. Just outfit the Park of Roses with wooden swing seats and I won't blow the whistle on the aforementioned corruption and nepotism. I'm ashamed to play dirty politics with you, but the system is already broken. I didn't start this fire. Let me know your decision, and perhaps this can be the beginning of a profitable friendship.
Honorably Yours,
The Correspondent
Jerry Saunders - President
Columbus Parks and Recreation
1111 E. Broad Street
Columbus, OH 43205
Dear Mr. Saunders,
Are you fat? I'm sorry to pry, but if you are fat it well help my proceeding argument. Plus, it's a real eye-catching way to open a letter. In our fast-paced world of today, it's so important to be able to grab attention. Sex! Wild asps! Stratego! See, now I've got you right where I want you.
To get to the crux of the matter, I have witnessed a growing trend in this country's park systems that I cannot let continue with impunity. Of course, I'm talking about plastic-seated swing sets. It seems that every park I go in, including most recently the Park of Roses in Columbus, the swing sets in each playground have bendy, plastic seats on them. Have you ever tried to swing in one of these things, Jerry? It's like getting a "B" seat on a plane full of Buckeyes coming back from another Fiesta Bowl loss. You try to move, even breathe, but you're being scrunched up by this incredible pressure on both sides, like a Red Sea of fat ready to crash down upon you at any moment. And that's what it's like in a bendy plastic swing seat.
Think about this: I only weigh 130 lbs, and the plastic still bends in the middle until my hips have chain-patterned bruises on them. Now, what if I was fat? The pressure would kill me! Whatever happened to using wooden planks for swing seats? Then you can sit comfortably without bowing the swing in, and it's much easier to twist the chains into a thrilling tailspin. Times are tough, Mr. Saunders, we don't all have the money to go to Cedar Point every weekend. With a wooden plank and a little imagination, I could make my own Corkscrew ride (no lines, too!). Well, right now I'm 50% short of that dream.
Oh, and I know what you're going to say. We don't have money for wooden swing seats! Our budget is being slashed to ribbons! To which I say, what's your salary looking like? Because I'd be willing to fire you to supply each city park with wooden-seated swings. I'm sorry, but the taxpayers have spoken. You've drenched this town in rampant corruption and blatant nepotism long enough.
Ok, look. If I can't beat you, I guess I could join you. Just outfit the Park of Roses with wooden swing seats and I won't blow the whistle on the aforementioned corruption and nepotism. I'm ashamed to play dirty politics with you, but the system is already broken. I didn't start this fire. Let me know your decision, and perhaps this can be the beginning of a profitable friendship.
Honorably Yours,
The Correspondent
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
