Jack Swarbrick
Athletic Director
University of Notre Dame
C113 Joyce Center
Notre Dame, IN 46556
Dear Mr. Swarbrick, Esquire,
Good day to you, sir. As a former citizen of South Bend who grew up just a few blocks from Notre Dame Stadium, I have been a lifelong fan of the Irish. I watch every football game and have even been to a few myself (your hot dogs are the best!).
I'm writing to you, however, because the recent spurt of celebrity deaths has me thinking of my own mortality. Even though I'm only 26, death - like cobras - can strike at any time. Therefore I've decided to plan my last requests now. I've already detailed my postmortem wishes to my special lady friend, but I wanted to CC you in on the plan since it involves Notre Dame.
First, I have always loved the sport of Ultimate. Therefore, I've asked my lady friend to have my remains cremated and used in the manufacture of a Discraft 175-gram Ultrastar sport disc. It will be standard white, just like I used to be. Next, I want my disc-body to be used in a game of Ultimate played on the field of Notre Dame Stadium. Teams will be comprised of my favorite Ultimate teammates from over the years. I know you don't like night games, but I'd like you to make an exception for my death ritual. As a concession of good faith, I can promise no rowdy tailgating beforehand.
The reason I am requesting a night game is because after the final point, I want my friend, Frank, to dip my ash-disc into a bucket of kerosene and light it on fire, then throw it as far as he can from the south endzone towards Touchdown Jesus. I'm sure the sight of my flaming disc-body whipping through the dark night will be a moment to remember. Then, I want each player to stand and watch it burn, silently, before walking off one by one, never to speak to each other again. Just like at the end of Ocean's 11.
Please let me know if my special lady friend can count on your support should the unthinkable happen, Dr. Swarbrick, Esq. I don't know where I'll be then, Jack, but I'll know about it. And I'll be happy.
Yours Truly,
The Correspondent
Monday, July 13, 2009
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2 comments:
Lord, I hope this one gets a response.
This is the best one yet as far as outrageousness is concerned. Notre Dame, Catholic university, should technically be aghast at the thought of an atheist requesting death rights. As a Catholic (kinda) I am shocked!
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