Tuesday, October 20, 2009

A Letter to the Hearst Tower in Charlotte, NC

I'm back. Yeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhh!

Building Management
Lincoln Harris
Hearst Tower Suite #2370
214 North Tryon Street Charlotte, NC 28202

Dear Mr. Harris,

Hello, my future friend. I hail from Columbus, capital city of heart-shaped Ohio, where the corn grows knee high by the 4th of July and merry girls will show you the world! I am a businessman, which means a lot of traveling across this great country of ours. I've been in one stoplight towns and sprawling metropolii, but if there's one thing that's the same wherever I go, it's been my unending need to make two-sies.

Unfortunately, I was not blessed with the gastrointestinal confidence to perform under pressure in public settings. I worry about being seen, being heard and being generally bumfuzzled until I'm shut tighter than a clam in a pelican's pouch. As such, I sometimes go days without relief, leaving me in poor form during my many sales calls and golf luncheons. To remedy the situation, I've started a spreadsheet of the Best Bathrooms Across the Nation. Once I've filled my list with every city, I'll be able to travel freely and know I'm never far from a relaxing setting for my future bowel movements.

Naturally, I've come to you to get the skinny on the Hearst Tower. I'm sure your shining beacon of commerce can be my home away from home when I'm bricklaying in Charlotte. Here's my basic criteria: First, the bathroom must be very warm. I've found basement bathrooms to be the best here. Second, it must be off the beaten path. The best bathroom is the one with complete privacy, so perhaps there's a restroom in the lower levels no one likes going to, or perhaps one in the lobby that gets looked over. Finally, the seat of the bowl is most important. Do you have any wooden seats? Nothing envelopes my bare cheeks better than a well-worn cradle of maple or oak, the laquer finish worn down by years of good use.

Of course, you're the one with the most experience so I'll let you fill in the blanks on your own building. Just let me know the location of the best bathroom you've got, along with any special tips (bring my own soap?) and I'll add you to the spreadsheet. Thanks again, Mr. Harris, and if you ever need to drop a deuce in Ohio, just let me know and I'll take really good care of you!

Sincerely Yours,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

I work in the mgmt office of Hearst Tower and had the pleasure of receiving you letter today! Of course I wasn't sure to make of it at first...but I simply HAD to know where it came from! My search led me here...and now I just wonder, why did you pick Hearst Tower?!! I showed my letter to some co-workers and they also enjoyed it. We will be crafting a response soon...

The Correspondent said...

Well this is interesting. I've never had a recipient find the website before, that's why I keep it anonymous. Your Google-fu is strong, Hearst Tower MGMT.

To answer your question, I picked the Hearst Tower because I'm interested in moving to Charlotte and was looking at stuff downtown.

Congratulations again, you are a worthy adversary!