Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Letter to Guster

I can't find an address right now and I'm at work, so I'll find one later tonight.

Dear Mr. Guster,

Before I start, let me explain that I get it. I love music. I played a recorder as a child, up until my hands were "work ready" at the age of 9. After that I just sang in the choir, although being a single child and homeschooled our choir lacked a certain harmony, and with only one member my Mother's criticism was rightfully focused squarely on me. The good news is I can now sing tenor and soprano at the same time, and I have a relatively high lung capacity.

Anyway, back on task, the reason I'm writing is because I was introduced to your band at a concert last night. I have, unfortunately, several complaints. First, everyone was just standing around. I'm not sure where the chairs were, or if there were even supposed to be chairs. However, I don't think I should be admonished by strangers when I voice concerns over fire safety. There was also a giant man in front of me, flailing around as if in the throes of palsy. I asked him to stop and he became belligerent, however, no one else was dancing like him. I think he may have had to use the bathroom, which he might have done had the aisles not been packed with people.

Moving on, the sound was generally good, however, when your lead singer spoke in between songs I could not understand him, despite being twenty feet away. To make matters worse, everyone usually laughed afterwards, and when I cannot hear a joke I always assume it is about me. This is why I do not patronize comedy clubs with an ear infection.

The music itself was generally good, if not perhaps a bit too synthesized. I counted at least four songs in which you used electrical instruments. Several of you also wore collared shirts, which I appreciated.

Hoping I Helped,

The Correspondent

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Anonymous said...

I also couldn't understand what Ryan (lead singer of Mr. Guster) was saying at the HoB show on Thursday... which was annoying, since that's half the reason to go to a Guster show. That being said, I've been to lotsa Guster shows, and lotsa HoB shows... and that's more an HoB thing, unfortunately... I've always found that is the case, esp if you are downstairs and are under the part where the upstairs is above you (I stand by that statement). Even if people didn't hear what Ryan was saying, though, we all laughed because as Guster fans we are programmed to laugh at anything they say between songs. Anyway, stumbled across your letter-- glad you enjoyed the music for the most part -- I too had a spastic dude in front of me who got belligerent when the annoyingness of said spasticity was pointed out to him, maybe it was the same dude.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to start signing all my letters with "Hoping I helped."

Matthew Argalas said...

You fucking bastard. We can't all bang the bongos until our hands bleed. Jeez!
And I'm not saying all the time, but some of the time, we need to plug a few things in press a few buttons. God damn!

Do you have any idea what it's like to eat Taco Bell on a tour bus? The crapper is straight out of Smurf Land and the seat is the size of your smug, Skeletor face. And yes, we grew up in the eighties! Suck it Sally! Harry's not in the mood.

That might have been totally unrelated, but still!


-What Guster would probably say to you if they read this.

-Matthew Argalas
(my word verification is "hickers" Is that a word?)

tom said...

single child? Are you lying to Guster, or were you lying to Ms. Largin about your brother throwing a log at your head?

All I know is, I can no longer trust anything written here. My world is shattered.