Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A Letter to Hah-vard

This is based on a real conversation I had in bed last night with my lady friend. I've also previously brought a lit jack-o-lantern into bed "to replace her" and suggested to her that we podcast our pillow talk. Separate events.

Dean Jay O. Light
Harvard Business School
Soldiers Field
Boston, MA 02163

Dear Mr. Light,

I was wondering if I could write you and tell you how grateful I am that we have such talented and bright minds teaching our business leaders of the future. I have had no small amount of anxiety and fear these past few weeks over our country's current financial situation, but having good men such as yourself at the helm of our country's finest educational institution goes a long ways towards alleviating my worries.

I was also hoping to take your pulse on a little dream I have of entering business school and making something of myself. While I don't have a lot of business experience just yet, I am smart and I do see things, big things! Let me give you an example.

Just last night I was imaging what it would be like if a fairy (or perhaps a river nymph) came down and gave me a magical bottomless Mason jar. It's exactly what it sounds like. Now, I bet most people would only think of one thing to do with a bottomless Mason jar - they'd go to the bathroom in it. Think about it! You can't store things in there, they'd just fall into oblivion. It doesn't create anything, it's just a Mason jar. Nope, you'd just assume it was only good for pooping and peeing in. Maybe getting rid of kitchen garbage, too. I'll tell you, what a waste! (Pun intended.)

This is where my business mind took off. First, I thought that if I invented a screw-on toilet seat that I could immediately improve the product. It's a Mason jar, so it has grooves on it to screw a lid on. Imagine a comfy toilet seat that morphs into a funnel and then ends in a plastic screw top. It would make pooping in the Mason jar much easier. But then I realized I could only sell one unit to the owner of this one, unique bottomless Mason jar. What a terrible business model. Then it hit me!

I lease the bottomless Mason jar to the United States federal government so that they may use it to safely dispose of all the country's nuclear waste. I could make millions! Plus, I can carry the bottomless Mason jar all over the country and visit each power plant, so we don't have to worry about transporting nuclear waste anymore. Once the waste problem is solved, we can spearhead the new construction of dozens of nuclear power plants. Bam! Now I've not only made hundreds of millions of dollars, but I've solved America's energy concerns. That's called great business ethics, Mr. Light, and I've got them coming out of my ass. (Pun not intended.)

I may not have a fancy degree or a lot of money, but I think I see the subtle opportunities that other people miss. Please write me back and let me know if I have your support in my dream of being a big businessman. I'd really appreciate your advice.

Statuesquely Yours,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Government is wasteful. Vote Obama.

The Correspondent said...

I'm confused, Anonymous. You say government is wasteful, which is usually a conservative talking point, but then you say to vote for Obama. Do you know what Obama intends to create a large government system to manage universal health care? I'm not opposed to it, necessarily, but it certainly seems to contradict your earlier point. Let's discuss.

Anonymous said...

He's hoping for change...but now that his boy got in office...that's all we'll have in our pockets. Change.

And you are indeed correct on the large government our President-Elect intends on putting in place. He'll make Marx proud I tell you....and I ain't talkin about Harpo, Groucho, Gummo or Chico, or Zappo

Anonymous said...

Oh but back to your letter...what's this obsession you have with bowel movements anyway?