Sunday, October 19, 2008

A Letter To Pepsi

This letter needs little explanation, so here's a little explanation: Crystal Pepsi was the greatest beverage to ever wet the lips of man.

700 Anderson Hill Road
Purchase, NY, 10577
(914) 253-2000
Massimo F. d’Amore
Chief Executive Officer

Dear Mr. d’Amore

I am writing to express my many years of thanks for the quality products the Pepsi-Cola Company has delivered into my home. With the exception of Pepsi Max (I eschew all ginseng by-products), I have tried all of your beverages. My favorite throughout the years, however, has always been Crystal Pepsi.

I am sure you receive many letters imploring you to reinstate Crystal Pepsi, and I won’t waste your time with such a useless request. I understand the nature of business and, unfortunately, Crystal Pepsi had its chance at market viability. On that note, however, I would like to offer you a business proposition.

If it suits the Pepsi-Cola Company, I would like to enter into a contract whereas your company installs a small factory line capable of producing the original Crystal Pepsi formula specifically for my personal consumption. I am willing to cover whatever initial conversion costs this start-up will incur, up to $250,000.00 (Two-hundred and fifty-thousand dollars). After that, I will pay $300.00 (Three-hundred dollars) for each case of syrup you deliver to my residence. I will supply my own soda-fountain machine. To give you an idea of future production needs, my records from 1993 suggest I will need a new case every 11 days. At the present time, I foresee no drop in this demand until my death in an estimated 35 years from now.

Please let me know as soon as possible if this deal has a chance and I will forward you to my legal counsel for final negotiations and contractual harrumphing. I would like to move forward quickly, though, so I may have my Crystal Pepsi machine up and running in time for the Super Bowl. It would really make my party sparkle (pun intended!).

Reclined in waiting,

The Correspondent

Here's the response:

Pepsi also sent a t-shirt (size American, or XXXL) and coupons for free Pepsi products. Not too shabby. On a more somber note, you ever have a great-grandparent that you sort of knew when you were really little, and even though you really loved them, they died when you were young and before long you can't even remember the sound of their voice?

I've tried, and I can't even remember what Crystal Pepsi tasted like anymore. Yes, I think it's the same thing!


Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...

What size shirt would you recommend they send to someone who professes to personally drink a case worth of soda syrup every 11 days? king-size bed shirt, maybe? XXXL seems like it would be astonishingly snug.

Anonymous said...

Believe it or not, the guys and I at work said the exact same thing about New Coke the other day. We remembered it tasted absolutely horrible...but for the life of us couldn't recall the taste if it...well...was there for us identify. So we all drank Mt. Dew and pressed on with our day...

Anonymous said...

According to Wikipedia "Crystal Pepsi is now available in Mexico as Pepsi Clear."