Tuesday, March 31, 2009

A Letter to the City of Bellefontaine

The job search continues.

Mayor Adam Brannon
City of Bellefontaine
Municipal Building, Floor 2
135 N Detroit Street
Bellefontaine, OH 43311

Dear Mr. Mayor,

I'd like to officially throw my name in the hat for the city of Bellefontaine's official whatever-you're-hiring for-right-now. Do I need to know what exactly it is your city needs? No, I do not, because I see the answer to that question every time I brush my teeth in the morning. Every time I check my rear view mirror. Whenever I cross my eyes or look down really fast, I sort of see the nose of the answer to that question. Because the answer to Bellefontaine's great question is me, sir!

Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I'm available. I have no phsyical hindrances, and it wouldn't matter even if I did because I take glucosamine daily. I am smart - I graduated from nearby Wittenberg University with a degree in Everything (liberal arts). I'm attractive and charming and can easily converse with any crowd. The elderly trust me and frequently project their own idyllic images of the American family onto my shrouded childhood.

Why I am interested in Bellefontaine? You know as well as I do, you can't beat the Chiefs! The way I see it, Bellefontaine is at a crossroads. You can either get busy job-creating or get busy dying a slow economic death. I can put Bellefontaine on the map by harnessing the powers of state money, federal money, Web 2.0, revenue-sharing, strategic partnerships, the global economy, Google AdSense and racketeering. Do you want to be downstream to the city of Lima's poop chute your whole life, or do you want to look up at those sons of bitches with the tall finger salute and say, "Hey, Beantown! Cut the malarkey and get in the right lane!"

Now let's talk shop. I'll relocate immediately - that's not a problem. I want an office in the courthouse with a cot, because that's where I'll be sleeping. I don't need a salary, just put it all in my budget. I'll need a stipend for food and clothing of $6,000 a year, or you can give me a signed pass that allows me to eat and shop for free at any Bellefontaine merchant. Obviously, I will not take advantage of you, I'm here to work. Instead of a car I'd like a neon green bicycle with "City of Bellefontaine" painted on the frame and the phrase "Never quit!" on the seat. I will ride this bicycle everywhere.

Together, we can bring Bellefontaine to the forefront of Ohio. While the rest of the state sinks into a quagmire of rising taxes and uneployment, you and I will be building an economic Helm's Deep, an American Alamo. Please send me any requisite paperwork and my proposed start date, preferably by the ides of April. God bless, Mayor.

Be Safe,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

You, my friend, are warped. Funny as can be, but seriously warped. I look forward to your next letter!

Anonymous said...

Never Quit!