Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A Letter To My Name Twin

My name isn't really Name Redacted. Neither is this man's. You're just going to have to pretend. Also, my name and return address are at the top of every letter. You're going to have to imagine that, as well.

Name Redacted
5555 E 55th Street
Indianapolis, IN 55555

Dear Mr. Redacted,

Good day to you, sir! Let’s dispense of the pleasantries for just a moment so that we may address the elephant in the room. That is not a typo at the top of this letter – your name is printed twice. What’s more is that my name is also printed twice! After many long years of thinking I was the only one, it seems we’ve finally found each other. Because, as you have by now deduced, Mr. Redacted, you and I are name twins!

It takes a moment to sink in. For so many years I thought I was unique and alone in the world. You can find a million Smiths and Jones in a phone book, and you’ll even get a few Longeneckers and Merkles if you try hard enough…but a Name Redacted! Those are rare indeed, and to find one with my identical first name outside of my own family is a real treat.

Ok, enough is enough. It’s nice, sure. I bet you’re a swell guy. Here’s the thing. You’re kind of getting in my way. It’s not a real big deal, but when I Google my name I’d like to start seeing myself pop up on page one. It wouldn’t be so bad, except that you keep accomplishing things. A composer, a professor. You even have your own website. What’s left for me, the real Name Redacted? I mean, you even have several cats. That’s my thing! I’m the several cats guy, all my friends know it!

I know, I know. If I want my own spotlight then I’ve got to earn it. But would it kill you to step aside for just a little while and let some young blood give it a go? That’s what the honorable Senator McCain is doing, and I think he’s a fine example of American dignity. I promise I won’t let you down. Just give me a chance! I’ve already started several initiatives I believe will put our name on the map. Just Google my name to find them – oh wait! That’s right, we can’t, because you’re hogging the internet.

Alright, listen, I’m not really that upset. It’s a little annoying, sure, but at least you’re doing something with your life. Did I tell you I found another Name Redacted living in Iowa? This one just turned up in a phone book search. I don’t even think he has a website. You and me, we’re winners, but this guy sounds like a clown. I don’t know, maybe we can take him under our wing. You teach him all about music, I’ll teach him about writing and cats. Because I’m the cat guy, that’s why!

Fine, we’ll both teach him about cats. Let me know!

Duplicitously Yours,

The Correspondent

Was there ever any question that my name twin would be awesome? No, there wasn't. Name Redacted not only sent me a Christmas card, he filled the inside with a personal message thanking me for my letter and telling me about his family. Turns out he has a nephew with our same name, as well. He even sent me blank stationary with his name (my name!) printed at the top, and said he hopes we meet someday. Just great, more family I have to go visit now.


Tom said...

He hasn't written back?

RLC said...

Thank you for a much needed laugh this morning.