Wednesday, January 7, 2009

A Letter To Death

Remember how hard Death was in Castlevania? He was harder than Dracula! Hello!

Paul T. Walker, Jr.
Union Cemetery
3349 Olentangy River Road
Columbus, OH 43202

Dear Mr. Walker,

I hope you are well, sir. I come to you with a delicate issue that I'm hoping you can resolve. You see, every Monday I take my five year-old neice to her belly-dancing class (her parents are very progressive) at Ohio State, and we pass by your Union Cemetery. Well, she began to notice a light on in the home located at the front gate of the cemetery, and has watched it for the last three weeks. It appears to be from a large television. Naturally, she asked me who it was that lived in the cemetery.

Well, sir, this is where I faltered. I did not know what to say, so I stalled by asking her, "Who do you think lives there?" Now, I was recovering from a cold, so my throat was very scratchy and phlegmy at the time, and I'm afraid I sounded much more ominous than I intended. I think she thought I was warning her or something, because her eyes got real big and she whispered, "Death!"

No matter what I said after that, she wouldn't give it up. To make matters worse, she asked me what he was watching, and I said "The Dog Whisperer" (it was the first thing that popped into my head). Now her parents are furious at me, because she refuses to be driven past the cemetery, and she cries whenever her father takes their labradoodle for a walk. She thinks Death is after Mr. Rustypaws (Rusty for short).

I've made a real mess of things, Mr. Walker. If you could write me back a letter explaining that Death does not live in your office, and that he doesn't want Mr. Rustypaws, I would really appreciate it. I could read it to her, and maybe she would buy that. She's such a smart kid, though! Do you have any special letterhead you could write on, so she knows I didn't fake it myself? Something with a watermark would be perfect.

Thanks so much for any help you can render, Mr. Walker. I think you run a very beautiful cemetery, and it always looks very clean from the street. It's a shame you have that grungy Kohl's sitting across the street.

Peacefully Yours,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

now your just begging for responses

Tom said...

If he responds I wanna read how he reassures a five year old.