A Letter to Alec Baldwin

What a terrible day!

Alec Baldwin
El Dorado Pictures
P.O. Box 8677
La Crescenta, CA 91224-0677

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

Boy, am I having a bad day. It started out fine enough; I woke up. My grandfather used to say, "Any day you wake up alive is a good day." He also once said, "Every animal on the earth except the pig should be killed, to make way for more pigs." And, once when I was 11 he told me to "always pull out." But my point is that today started out just fine.

Now, the reason I'm writing you is also the reason my day turned sour. You see, I was minding my own business at work a little while ago when I overheard some guy say The Shadow was the first bad movie he ever saw. Are you kidding me? The Shadow was great! Lamont Cranston, wealthy haberdasher and former ruthless crime boss, must use his ability to cloud men's minds in order to save the world from the terror of the atom bomb! Also, Penelope Ann Smith is a hot piece.

I was hoping you could tell me some of your favorite memories of The Shadow, and we could throw it back in this guy's face. For instance, I loved your costume. How did you get the neck of your shirt to stay up like that? I would love to have a similar shirt, because one of my greatest fears is having something touch my neck. Sometimes if I think something is touching my neck, or about to touch my neck, I'll rub it gently with my hand to neutralize the anxiety and fear. I know what you're thinking, why not wear a turtleneck? Believe it or not, turtlenecks are the worst thing in the world for me, because then it feels like something is touching my neck all the time.

Going to the barber is also difficult, because they put that tissue around your neck. When being playful with a lady I can stand her to nuzzle my side neck, but she must never touch the front. Ironically, I enjoy dressing up with a fully-buttoned dress shirt and tie, but I have to tie the tie myself. Also, I will loosen it the first chance I get, but only when it's socially acceptable, such as on the dance floor or behind a Denny's.

Well, I think that's about it. If you could send me that shirt you wore in The Shadow or let me know how they made it, I would really appreciate it. All this talk about necks and stuff touching my neck has really worked me up, so I'm going to go to the bathroom and rub my Adam's apple until I feel better. Say hi to Tina for me!

Ever Graciously,

The Correspondent