Thursday, February 5, 2009

A Letter to Skyline Chili

It's Skyline time!

CEO Kevin R. McDonnell
Skyline Chili Inc.
4180 Thunderbird Lane
Fairfield, OH 45014

Dear Mr. McDonnell,

What an ironic name! I bet people kid you about that all the time. Because it's almost McDonald, get it? Moving on, I am doing very well, which is in no small part due to the dinner I just had at your Skyline Chili location on Bethel Road in Columbus. I had a four-way with spaghetti, chili, cheddar cheese and onions. You know, it really hit the spot, but I have to admit that every time I visit one of your delicious locations I end up with a little problem afterwards.

To be honest, I don't really mind it. My lady friend, however, says that my problem is one of the worst she's ever encountered, and that I ought to consider seeing a doctor. She frequently leaves the room for the duration of my problem, sometimes even forcing me to sleep on the couch. But what am I supposed to do? A Skyline four-way without the onions just isn't the same (it's actually a three-way). Then, it hit me!

You know how at every table you guys have a napkin holder, salt and pepper shakers and a bottle of hot sauce? You should put a bottle of Beano on every table! Think about it, now every guy who wants to pile his chili high with onions and beans can just grab the little bottle of Beano and sprinkle a few drops on his meal. Problem solved!

Plus, think of the great marketing you could do. Imagine an empty chili bowl, with a very fat and satisfied Buckeye fan sitting behind it, chuckling and burping. The narrator says, "What's the best part of a Skyline five-way with beans and onions?" Then you see his lady friend giving him the evil eye and wafting her nose. "Sometimes, the best part is the worst part." Then, you introduce new "Beano at the table!" and show the same fat Buckeye fan sprinking a few drops of Beano on a fresh bowl of chili. Ta-da! Flash forward a few hours later and you see the same Buckeye fan, driving a race car with Jim Tressel. Everybody wins!

As you can tell, I'm a pretty on the ball guy. There's really no need to thank me, as I just wanted to help one of my favorite restaurants. I've even flirted with the idea of opening my own Skyline franchise in my hometown of South Bend, Indiana. They put a Sonic in there a few months ago, so you know those people will eat anything! Let me know about the Beano!


The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

love the shots at buckeye fans.


Tom said...

They should take your advice.