Monday, February 9, 2009

A Letter to the Mayor

I really did see this over the weekend. Great moment.

Mayor Michael Coleman
90 W Broad St
Columbus, OH 43215

Dear Mayor Coleman,

Hello from one of your biggest supporters! First off, let me compliment you by saying yours is one of the widest mustaches I've ever seen. Most mustaches never go past a man's lips, and if they do then they've "taken off" from his face and can be oiled and manipulated into grandiose curls and whirly-do's. Your mustache, though, is stuck flat to your face all the way to the crease of your smile. Excellent choice!

The reason I'm writing you today is to implore you for action on behalf of an amazing experience I had this weekend. I was just south of the downtown and driving westbound across the Greenlawn Bridge of the Scioto River when I looked out upon an awesome spectacle. Flying towards me was a huge figure, with wings much wider than your mustache. As it grew closer the contrast of its stark white head and tail came into view, and I knew immediately that I was staring upon our nation's great treasure, the Bald Eagle.

Now, I know enough about stuff to tell you that Bald Eagles are a rare sight in Columbus. At first I took out my cell phone to punch the #2 speed dial button for the Columbus Zoo, to ask them if their eagle exhibit had been breached. When I finally realized that this was a bird of nature, I knew that God was telling me that Columbus was special, and we needed to celebrate.

Please, Mayor Coleman, help me spread the joy of this majestic bird by declaring a city-wide Bald Eagle Day. Everyone should know of our newest citizen. We don't have to close the banks and post office down or anything, but I thought of a few gestures you could initiate that would give the day meaning. First, everyone must tip their hats to bald or balding men and women. If you are not wearing a hat then you must curtsy. The latent benefit of this is that no man will want to curtsy, so we'll bring back the long-missing tradition of hat wearing. Second, for one day only it will not be considered illegal to steal fish. Bald Eagles steal fish all the time, especially from Ospreys, so this is normal. When in Rome, Mayor!

I know that with these few small acts, our great city will overcome its grief and anxiety and rise up to the great challenges of 2009. Please join me, Mayor Coleman! I look forward to tipping my hat to you soon, sir.

God Bless,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Nice job, as always.

Anonymous said...

While that is a nice mustache, it's pretty tame. I'd like to see more dedication to hirsute pursuits, like this guy:

There's a beard you can put in office, I tell you...

And the stealing fish line? genious.