Monday, February 23, 2009

A Letter to Bob Evans

This is off-topic, but Natalie Portman is the best. My thought process goes like this: She's Jewish (I can become Jewish), she's hot (I can work out more), she lives in New York or something (I can drive there), she my age (I'm my age), she looks really sweet (5 out of 6 isn't bad). So, I'm saying there's a chance.

Attn: General Manager
Bob Evans Restaurant
3140 Olentangy River Road
Columbus, Ohio 43202

Dear Mr. Evans,

Greetings from just around the corner! I have never been to your restaurant before, but I have been to other Bob Evans locations, and I enjoy your omelettes. My lady friend is an absolute fiend for your beef vegetable soup. If she could she would fill a bathtub with the stuff and then leisure around it in, taking a ladle and pouring it over head so her hair smells like beef vegetable soup. And I'd like that, too.

Anyway, I was recently driving past your restaurant when I unfortunately saw an error on your signage. Even though we love your soup and omelettes, I couldn't let such an egregious blasphemy against the English language go unchecked. Your sign read, "Stop in for one of our new boburritos." Did you mean burritos? Because that's how it's spelled, 'burritos.' You don't need the extra "bo."

I know, I know, who cares, right? Wrong! I can't take another butchering of our language. If it's not an email void of any puncuation or capitalization then it's a newspaper rife with copy mistakes. Captions that make no sense, internet forums filled with emoticons, text messages that look like may be "LOLing," sir, but I'm not! You may be "ROFL" or "BRB" so you can go do some "BSDM" with your "BBW", but I'm not! I'm going to be right here, keeping my dignity. Don't whatev, me, either. This has a very specific ev. It's the ev of being an educated human being that can communicate gracefully without gimmicks or shenanigans.

Sorry about that, I got a little carried away. If you could just correct your signage out front, I would really appreciate it. Otherwise, I think you run an excellent establishment with a ton of curb appeal. It's a shame you have to be so close to that ratty-looking Kohl's, though. They really ought to just burn that place down. Shoot, now if it happens everybody is going to look at me.

In Musing,

The Correspondent


Lady Friend said...

I do love their soup. I'd also consider bathing in their French salad dressing. mmmm...

Patrick Wilbraham said...


Tom said...

Bob Evans is just a shitty Denny's. Lolerskates!