Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Letter to Landshark Lager

It's pretty funny how surprised and affronted people get when you call and ask for their mailing address. "You want our mailing address? What for?!"

1 Busch Place
Attn: 202-8CRG
Landshark Lager
Reference #: 5389069

Dear Brewmaster,

Whew, that address is a doozy! I couldn't find it online, so I called your phone number and talked to Janelle. She wouldn't give me the address at first and wanted to take my letter through dictation, but unfortunately my vocal chords were recently seared in a boiling juice incident (entirely my fault). It was hard enough to talk as is, so she kindly directed me to the above address and told me to use that reference number from our phone call. What an amazing system! I feel like James Bond, if James Bond drank domestic beer.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing is to sing the praises of your amazing lager. But even more, I have to ask, what does the name mean? When I first saw a bottle of Landshark, I immediately thought of the Ultimate frisbee term. You see, in Ultimate frisbee, a landshark is when the team MVP is pantsed (or de-pantsed if you're from south of the Mason-Dixon line) and hoisted up by his or her teammates, as if surfing over their hands. Then, the winning Frisbee is thwunked between their pried-open buttocks and the entire monstrosity is paraded around the field (known henceforth as Attack of the Landshark).

It is one of the most thrilling moments in all of sport. I've only seen it done once, at a three-day memorial tournament outside Portland in June of 2004. The Tulsa Vulvas, a coed Masters team from Billings Montana, had just won the round robin tournament on the back of 52 year-old team founder Ted Jacobin. Ted's about 6'2" tall and must have weighed 200 lbs (even without the clothes), but they still got him up there. Then, Julie Fordham, the shortest person on the team, does a running jump and twunks the disc in there like a little girl putting the angel on a Christmas tree. Ted lets out this primeval roar and the whole team starts running around the park. It looked like one of those dragons during a Chinese parade, an army of feet rushing around underneath this huge, growling beast.

So, the reason for my letter is to thank you for making such a great beer and to tell you that you ought to consider Ultimate in your advertisements. Heck, you could even sponsor a team and really make your brand stick, so to speak, in the minds of every disc player across the country. Summer league is just around the corner, so let me know!

Always Hucking,

The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

My only regret is that we never got to send you on the, *ahem*, Attack...

Tom said...

I always knew people who played Ultimate were drunk off their ass