Monday, December 29, 2008

A Letter To Norm Abram

This topic probably consumed three hours of conversation while driving everywhere last week.

Norm Abram
New Yankee Workshop
P.O. Box 161
Lexington, MA 02420

Dear Mr. Abram,

Hi, Norm! My lady friend really loves your show. She watches it all the time. In fact, I was actually getting ready to write this letter to Bob Vila when she said to me, "Bob Vila?! He's Cuban American!" She's obviously got some issues to work out, but nevertheless she insisted that I write to you instead. In the end, I'm glad I did, because you seem more of an old-fashioned woodman than Bob, and my situation is most definitely old-fashioned.

You see, Norm, I'm a pretty fastidious guy, and I like to be prepared. That's why I've got an emergency plan in my head in case society collapses and I'm left in a survival situation. First off, I think we can all agree that the cities will be too dangerous. That's why I've decided to go live on a mountain, building my own tiny home deep in the Appalachian woods and living off a diet of deer meat and non-poisonous tubers. In my head, though, I've hit a roadblock regarding the construction of my new home, and I was hoping you could lend some advice.

Now, first I was thinking log cabin, but then I wondered, "How am I going to lift all these logs?" Then I thought hobbit-hole. I'm warming up to the idea, but wondered how you would suggest building a hobbit-hole. Do I just pile up a bunch of dirt and then dig it out like an igloo? How do I make windows, and what's the lowdown on the soffit situation?

Next up is waste management. I can dig an outhouse hole with no problem, but can I dig a tunnel that leads into a septic field? Will that affect groundwater and nearby streams? I'm thinking it will just be the two of us, but let's prepare for at least four people's waste just in case. I might have to invite my lady friend's sister and her boyfriend, although I said, "What if your sister dies of dysentery? Then we're stuck with her boyfriend even though we're not technically related to him." Talk about a third wheel!

Finally, do you know anything about preserving meat? My lady friend is in vet school, but she absolutely refused to have this conversation with me. I said it was all about replacing moisture with a preserving element like salt - moisture is the enemy! Quite frankly, this problem concerns me the most. If I can't figure out how to salt and store meat then it won't matter how invisible my hobbit hole is. Oh, I forgot to mention, I've put mirrors on the outside of the hobbit hole so now it's invisible to people walking by.

Ok, like I said, I'm glad I wrote to you and not Vila. He was never very trustworthy when I saw him on television. Please let me know how you would address these issues and let me know if you have any additional hobbit hole tips. I love your beard!


The Correspondent


Anonymous said...

Listen, you are writing to THE NORM ABRAM. Do you really think he has not already thought of putting mirrors on the outside of the hobbit hole? Junior varsity, man, junior varsity.