Monday, February 2, 2009

A Letter to the Statue of Liberty

Did I already write this letter? It feels like I already wrote this letter. I'm going to feel pretty stupid if I check the archives and find I already wrote this letter.

Attn: Superintendent
National Park Service
Statue of Liberty National Monument
Liberty Island, NY, NY 10004

Dear Superintendent,

First of all, let me tell you that I am a man of taste, which is why I never miss an episode of the History Channel's Modern Marvels. The narration of Max Raphael is reassuring yet down to business, like the male nurse at a mid-town plasma donation center. And the history itself is always fascinating; why, I feel like I've learned more from Modern Marvels than I ever did in Indiana Real Estate Licensing School.

Recently, however, I was very put off by an episode surrounding your monument, the Statue of Liberty. I already knew the basic story; how the French gave us the statue as a Christmas present back in the 60s, and that it is over 30 stories tall. What I didn't know, though, was the story behind the statue's muted green hue. I always thought the material itself was naturally green, and never realized that the statue was actually copper. The green is a rust-like chemical formation called 'patina'. Well, sir, I can call the rust on my 2001 Ford Focus magical fairy dust, but that won't make the interior smell any less like cats and beef jerky.

Put simply, Superintendent, I cannot believe this country allows one of its greatest monuments to languish under a layer of puke-green rust. I can't imagine the glory of the original statue, the copper shining each morning like a giant woman covered in pennies! Now, more than ever, I feel it is our responsibility to restore her to her former beauty. How sad is it that even with a copper-skinned president, we still can't have a copper-toned Statue of Liberty? This country's come a long way, baby, but we still have so very far to go.

The strangest part of this whole thing was the History Channel's "experts" gushing over how precious the patina is! That it looks regal and protects from acid rain! I may not have a degree in being an "expert," but last time I checked acid rain can't hurt metal - only agriculture and home resale value. And who would think that disgusting green is beautiful? My mother had an oven the exact same color in our house growing up, and she hated it. She used to always tell us that it was so ugly she wanted to stick her head in there and kill herself, but she couldn't even do that because it was an electric. Also, it always burned cookies.

Superintendent, please tell me if there are any plans to refurbish this American treasure. I know times are tough, but the upcoming depression will be even worse, so if you think about it, you'll save a lot of money by overhauling the statue now. Your taxpayers will thank you for your fiscal responsibility, and Lady Liberty will inspire a new generation of unemployed Americans to dig deep and make it happen!

Digging and Making,

The Correspondent


Bill Bordogna said...

Well, sir, I can call the rust on my 2001 Ford Focus magical fairy dust, but that won't make the interior smell any less like cats and beef jerky.